Falling prey to “False Consensus Effect”: Are you normalizing your success?

In a study published 10 years ago Cornell University psychologists David Dunning and Justin Krueger (now at NYU) demonstrated an interesting relationship between competence and self-confidence.

Their findings showed that incompetent people were also unaware of their incompetence and tended to overestimate their performance. They seemed to lack the meta-cognitive skill that allows them to compare their performances to their peers and realize their own poor performance. Only after they got training to become more competent they also got better in assessing their ability. This, of course, presents an interesting paradox – people become more skilled at recognizing their incompetence once they were no longer incompetent.

What I’ve found equally interesting in their results was the inaccuracy of competent people in assessing their level of performance. In contrast to their incompetent counterparts, competent people tended to underestimate their performance – they had less confidence in their superior performance. In other words, they did not think that they performed particularly “great” relative to their peers; they thought they performed at a “normal” level.

What was the reason for their underestimation? Were they just being modest? Or did they also lack the meta-cognitive skill required for making accurate comparisons , just like the incompetent people?

The explanation of Krueger and Dunning for this “burden of expertise” is a well-established bias in social psychology: false consensus effect. This effect refers to our tendency to overestimate the degree to which our own behavior, attitudes, beliefs, and so on are shared by other people.

There are a few reasons for that tendency. First, we take our own behaviors, attitudes, or beliefs as a reference point, or an as anchor when predicting the behaviors, attitudes, or beliefs of other people. Secondly, we feel good when we think others would behave or think the same way as we do. Besides, we tend to hang out and be friends with people who are actually similar to us – that further biases our point of reference when predicting the behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs of “majority”.

So, how does false consensus lead competent people to underestimate their performance? They project their performance onto their peers and “normalize” their success. They think others would perform at a similar level. The implications go even one step further when their peers are also high-performers – they might think what they are doing is just “normal”.

This might lead to a systematic pattern of underestimation in high performance environments. It might also give into perfectionist tendencies – thinking, to be “really good” you should be doing much better when in reality your performance is already superior.

How might this be relevant for YOU?

• Do you tend to explain your successes or good performance as “normal”?
• When complimented for your success do you respond “Thanks, but it’s nothing special”. Or go on to explaining how anybody could’ve done it? (That’s what I did years ago when my supervisor had pointed out how doing a Ph.D. was an indication of competence and success. Being surrounded with other graduate students, I tried to explain it away by saying ‘But that’s normal…” Well, I was simply normalizing my accomplishments.)
• Are you taking credit for your successes or are you consistently attributing it to external factors such as luck, “easy” assignments, “nice” evaluators (i.e., peers, clients, managers)?

If so, you might be falling prey to false consensus effect. The idea is not giving up the modesty and start bragging about your accomplishments, but rather acknowledging and appreciating them. This presents a number of benefits:

1. A more accurate self-assessment goes a long way in managing your time and resources strategically. You’re in a better position to decide where your attention and self-improvement efforts should be directed to when you assess your performance accurately.
2. A boost to your self-esteem. High self-esteem serves as a stock of positive feelings that lead to greater initiative and a decreased vulnerability to failures and stress.
3. Positioning yourself better in relation to others. When you start normalizing your accomplishments others will start doing the same (about your accomplishments) even when initially they were convinced about your superior performance. Once you give yourself the credit you’ve deserved, others will follow.

Now, try to reflect back on your typical responses to your successes, are you a victim or the false consensus effect?

Reference:

Kruger, J. & Dunning, D. (1999). Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One’s Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 1121-1134.

“Confidence always needs to be a half-step ahead of competence”

This is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard of recently. Really, take a moment and let that sink… It is very precise about what should come first and by how much. When you think about it makes perfect sense!

A full-step (or more, for that matter) ahead is too much, generating an over-reliance on self-confidence that is unsubstantiated. This is very much related to the debates around the benefits of high self-esteem. Taken to the extreme, without a solid base high self-esteem can take a narcissist edge. That is, it becomes rather an unhealthy kind of self-esteem which is fragile, unstable and highly contingent upon external factors such as materialistic success, approval of others etc.. In other words, it is not backed up by a solid sense of competence – well, because it would be one, if not more, step ahead of competence.

We all know people who have that kind of self-esteem. Those who’ve made us recognize either their fragility underneath the egos they’ve built, or the complete unawareness of how unrealistic their positive self-views seem from outside. The outcome? Well, mostly these people live in a state of self-deception and continuously generate defenses such as boasting about accomplishments, downplaying or denying responsibility of failures, or putting others down as a way to make themselves look better.

Along the way, they either receive the pity and sympathy of people who recognize their fragility behind the surface, or they might encounter the displeasure of others who can not stand their boastful egos lacking the competence foundation. In either case the chances are they are not taken seriously or considered competent by others.

Confidence a full step behind competence is also problematic. In an earlier post I had written about four stages of competence – a model that describes learning as a journey that involves moving from incompetence to competence. In this journey confidence plays an important role especially for the transition from Stage 2 Conscious Incompetence to Stage 3 Conscious Competence. Conscious incompetence is an uncomfortable and awkward place to be – mainly because nobody enjoys feeling incompetent! But at that point your “half-step ahead confidence” acts as energy to pull you in the direction you need to go – that is, to Stage 3. With that pull you commit to whatever is necessary to improve your competence.

For those who are especially careful not to be boastful or over-confident, having confidence before – even if half a step – competence is not that easy. Many of us have internalized the “assumption” you feel confident once you have developed your competence. It is most likely that the relationship between confidence and competence is a circular one where they continue feeding each other. But within that circle, especially when undertaking new tasks or committing to new areas puts one in a “novice” situation, that a half-step ahead confidence gives the first push.

The most important conclusion of a thorough review of studies on benefits of self-esteem is that high self-esteem serves as a stock of positive feelings that lead to greater initiative and a decreased vulnerability to failures and stress. These are qualities that indeed pull people up to Stage 3 (conscious competence) despite the wobbling at Stage 2 (conscious incompetence).

Then, the question is how to make sure that confidence does come a half-step ahead. Two methods come to my mind:

1. Start with creating a vision of yourself at Stage 4 - Unconscious Competence - where your expertise or skill flows naturally. What would it look like to be there? How would you be behaving, responding, feeling? What would your posture look like, the way you interact with people? Once you have that vision try to live into that NOW as much as possible. This will “trick” your mind to start feeling that competence and confidence.
2. Refer to your previous journeys of learning. Remember how you DID manage to climb from incompetence to competence. And please, ignore those self-limiting beliefs that start with “Yes, but….” (Yes, but that was in a different area; Yes but, I was younger then…etc.). Use previous experiences a) as a way to boost your confidence and b) to remember what tools helped you along the way (e.g., social support, having more structure, more practice…etc.)

And enjoy watching the dance between your confidence and competence – it’s all about getting the steps and the timing right!

References:

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self- esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(Whole No. 1), 1– 44.

Time travel: Will I really want to go for a run at 6 a.m. tomorrow?

How many times have you found yourself being puzzled about not being able to follow up on your goals although you were so convinced when you set them? Examples?

• Checking emails is a time drain, I’ll only check them twice a day.
• I will meditate for 10 minutes every morning before breakfast.
• I’ll go to the gym every other day.
• I will never procrastinate and hit the send button 30 seconds before the project submission deadline.
• I will speak up more in meetings.
• I will be a better listener/ more patient with my “difficult” colleagues.

I bet you can help me expand the list!

The funny part is that each time we are so convinced that “it will work this time!” We must be making some serious error or false assumption somewhere, don’t you think? Well, here’s one phenomenon that sheds some light on what might be happening.

In his book Stumbling on Happiness Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert talks about presentism - the tendency to let our current experience to influence one’s view of the past and the future. In other words, when we evaluate the past or think about the future we take our present experience (e.g., mood, state of mind, motivation) as an anchor.

Among its many interesting implications presentism also influences the goal pursuit. Broadly speaking, the goal pursuit involves two steps. First we select a goal; then we implement the chosen goal. Presentism plays a role in both of these steps – this time I’ll focus on the first one.

As I’ve mentioned last time, it is important to choose not any goal – but rather a SMART goal (Specific, Measurable, Agreed upon, Realistic, Timely). That would sound something like: Running for 45 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 6 a.m. This meets the specific, measurable and timely criteria.

If the person wants and is motivated to take on running for 45 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 6 a.m., that would also make it agreed upon. In other words, the goal has been chosen by the person and not imposed on her by someone else. This corresponds to what some researchers call “self-concordant goals” – that is, goals that are consistent with values and interests of the person.

If it is a realistic goal or not depends on the person’s current level of fitness as well as her weekly schedule. Now, “presentism” plays an important role here – especially with respect your current mood and level of motivation. Research in the area of affective forecasting – predicting how you will feel in the future – suggests that we are pretty bad in our forecasts! That means when you try to predict how you will feel about running tomorrow at 6 a.m. you mainly rely on your current mood which is likely to be quite different from the one you’ll experience 6 a.m. tomorrow.

And this has important implications for the “realistic”ness of your goal. In other words, it seems pretty realistic right now because you are all motivated and determined about making it work but that does not guarantee that you’ll feel that way when it’s time to get out of the bed tomorrow morning at 6 a.m.!

I think this nicely explains why we are puzzled by not being able to follow up on our goals that we were so convinced of when we set them. We base our predictions too much on the present experience and underestimate how fluid our moods and motivation to act could be.

In these situations researchers who study affective forecasting suggest doing some “time travel” – that is, representing the future as though it were happening in the present. To be able to that we need to use mental images of the future more often and more accurately.

For the running example this would mean imagining as vividly as possible your experience of waking up, rolling out of the bed, putting on your running gear at 6 a.m. And doing that 3 times a week. How realistic does it feel? Effortless, somewhat unpleasant, painful, impossible? Making an accurate assessment would make your goal pursuit more successful.

If your goal seems realistic after the “time travel” next steps of implementation are more likely to follow smoothly. But if your goal doesn’t pass the test, you would be better of adjusting it to make it realistic – that would also save you from feeling guilty and discouraged in your goal pursuit each time you hit the snooze button.

Make it automatic!

I wish the title was related to a way that I’ve found to make my blogs automatic but when I am on (a looong) vacation there’s still an inevitable gap. Rather, the title is about how to make our action-taking automatic in order to achieve our goals.

Most of us don’t have a problem in setting goals – you’ve probably heard of at least one version of SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Agreed upon, Realistic, Timely). What most of us struggle with is the following up part. It is one of the themes that come up quite often in both coaching sessions with clients and casual conversations with friends.

Latest was shared by a friend over the weekend as we cruised in the canals of Amsterdam. He mentioned how much he loves playing the trombone and knows how important to have regular rehearsals , but somehow he can not bring himself to do that. It is quite puzzling for him – why fail to do something that not only he WANTS to do but also ENJOYS to do. I am sure many people can relate to him – I for one always wonder why I don’t go dancing often even though I know that is one of the things I enjoy the most!

So what is one to do to follow up on his goals?

Part of the answer lies in exercising the “self-control” or “willpower” muscle I wrote about a few times before. Another technique I would like to mention this time is called “Implementation Intention”. This framework was developed by Dr. Peter Gollwitzer , a psychology professor at NYU, who is a leading researcher in the area of goal pursuit and motivation. His frameworks outlines the whole process from selecting appropriate goals to goal attainment. I would like to focus on the part where he talks about setting implementation intentions that increase the likelihood of taking successful action to reach our goals. Here are the 5 steps to do that:

Step 1: Set your GOAL INTENTIONS (e.g., “I intend to do regular rehearsals”, “I intend to exercise regularly”)

Step 2: Set a specific plan about HOW, WHEN & WHERE you will take action. (e.g., “practicing every Wednesday and Saturday at home for an hour”, “going running Tuesday and Thursday mornings for 30 minutes and going to the gym every Saturday for 1 hour”).

Step 3: Translate the above plans into implementation intentions in IF – THEN form. (e.g., “IF it is Wednesday, THEN I will practice for 1 hour”, “IF it is Tuesday morning, THEN I will run for 30 minutes”)

Step 4: Make a list of possible distractions you might face along the way (e.g., feeling tired, limited time, TV, other interesting things)

Step 5: Set specific implementation intentions in the form of IF – THEN statements about the actions you’ll take when you encounter these distractions (e.g., “IF I feel tired, THEN I will rest for 15 minutes before my practice”, “IF there is something interesting on TV, THEN I will ignore it (the TV program)”)

The effectiveness of implementation intentions lies in the IF – THEN format. When you encounter the distraction you’ll take the action you’ve decided on without further thought – you almost make it AUTOMATIC! The same applies to goal-directed behavior – the day of the week will act as a trigger to take the subsequent action.

You might be thinking that this all sounds too simple and wondering why IF – THEN statements should make a difference. With these statements what you are doing is mentally linking an anticipated critical situation (e.g., day of the week or being distracted by TV) with an effective goal-directed response. Once “your system” detects the critical situation (and most of the time this might happen even without your conscious awareness) it automatically initiates the stored action linked to that.

This process nicely overcomes a few potential obstacles that you might face otherwise:

a) difficulty in getting started (outlining how, where & when and automating action help with this)

b) reflecting anew on the desirability of goal intention (automating action bypasses this)

c) staying on track (overseeing distractions and having actions ready to deal with them help with staying on track)

Studies have shown that implementation intentions make goal attainment more probable. When combined with setting appropriate goals and a well-exercised willpower/self control muscle you are more likely to achieve your goals by using these tools. So say it: IF I want to achieve my goals THEN I will use implementation intentions!

Three fundamental human needs (Part IV): Can we be both autonomous and connected at the same time?

I think this is a question that many people struggle with from time to time. The apparent conflict lies in thinking in terms of "being autonomous/independent versus connected" as if these are two opposite ends of a continuum. If you also see them that way I invite you to take a different perspective – considering them as two different dimensions rather than being the polar opposites of the same dimension.

Being autonomous or independent - the third fundamental need we have - relates to the way we develop ourselves with a vision and goals we set to reach that vision. It is the almost the method/attitude with which we create our roadmap to who we want to be and how we want our lives to be like.

How you create that vision can either take an independent/ autonomous form with you tapping into your unique being, your desires and dreams - in a way very similar to tapping into your ideal-self. Or you could create a vision more in line with the expectations of others (e.g., family, friends, colleagues) and the norms of the groups you belong to (e.g., the company you work for, the society you live in) without too much reference to your unique potential. This latter way is parallel to emphasizing your ought-self when you create that vision.

Being connected relates to having close and intimate relationships marked by stability, emotional concern and continuation into the foreseeable future. That is quite a different dimension than what I’ve described above. Having those relationships does not mean you are not independent anymore. On the contrary, those relationships support you in the journey to your vision.

In other words, being autonomous or independent is a relatively within-person quality; whereas being connected is an interpersonal quality.

When you consider this way of looking at them it becomes clear that they are complementary rather than conflicting. In fact, our research findings show exactly that too. People who are both autonomous and connected experience higher levels of well-being compared to those who fall short in either or both of those qualities. They are less prone to depression; emotionally more stable; and enjoy higher levels of self-esteem and life-satisfaction.

Then it is not a good idea to pit autonomy against connectedness, but rather encourage both. But why are we sometimes tempted to think one would come at the expense of the other?

I think that comes from an assumption we make: “to be connected I need to incorporate other people’s expectations and desires into the vision I create for myself”. And I believe this assumption is partly sustained by the desire to fit in. It is important to become aware of that belief and to question if that is indeed a valid assumption. I invite you to do that with an open mind…

References

Imamoglu, E. O. (2003). Individuation and relatedness: Not opposing, but distinct and complementary. Genetic, Social, and General Psychology Monographs, 129, 367–402. Social Psychology, 142, 333–351.

Kurt, A. (2002). Autonomy and relatedness: A comparison of Canadians and Turks. Paper Presented at the Annual Convention of Canadian Psychological Association; June 2002, Vancouver, BC.

Three fundamental human needs (Part III): Being competent

One of the reasons why many of us are reluctant to try new endeavors is our need to feel competent. Especially if you are used to feeling competent in different domains in your work, relationships or leisurely activities it is uncomfortable to take on something new which will make you feel not so competent.

I am sure many expats can relate feeling incompetent when they find themselves struggling with the easiest tasks in their new environment. Again there are numerous examples in the tales of women told in the Expat.

An American woman who moved to Bangladesh shares her frustration in her search for a blanket. You might think how frustrating can it be to find a blanket?! But if you’re not sure where to shop for one on top of having to sleep in layers of clothing and still feeling cold night after night – it can be frustrating! Or consider another American woman who took a teaching job in Japan struggling to get her students to discuss the readings in class. Of course, I’m not even going to get into the whole language issue again – who feels competent while trying to express oneself with language capabilities worse than a 5 year old’s! The frustration accompanies feeling incompetent in areas that you are used to being competent – shopping, doing your job, expressing yourself…

But as important as the emotional costs, the expectation of feeling incompetent has other equally, if not more, serious consequences as it represents a major obstacle on the way of self-development. Sometimes we pass some potentially life-enriching opportunities because we don’t want to feel incompetent.

Achieving the sense of competence is one of the important developmental criteria starting from our early years in life. Erik Erikson – a prominent developmental psychologist – contended that each stage of life has its own “psychosocial” task, a crisis that needs resolution. In his model of social development he suggests the critical stage between 6 years to puberty to be about competence. According to him toddlers who have tackled the trust, autonomy and initiative issues by that time now strive for competence, feeling able and productive. This forms the foundation of our sense of competence which gets tested over and over again throughout the life span.

As adults we’re also in an on-going journey from incompetence to competence. Realizing and acknowledging that it is a process makes it easier understand the reluctance when it comes to learning a new skill – may it be a new language or a new career. Knowing the stages involved in the process will further help us make a more accurate assessment of the situation.

The Four Stages of Competence Model

Also called the Conscious Competence Learning Model, this model nicely acknowledges that learning is essentially a journey that involves moving from incompetence to competence.

Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence ~ I don’t know what I don’t know

This is the stage that could be summarized as the bliss of ignorance. You’re living in your home country and don’t have a clue about the challenges of daily life if you were to move to a new country. And it doesn’t even matter because it’s not relevant at this moment.

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence ~ Now I now what I don’t know

This is when you realize that you need your neighbor’s help to buy a blanket or understand your electricity bill. It is also the stage you find yourself when you change your career and become aware of your novice status. A lot of us get overwhelmed at this stage with the daunting task in front of us. The danger of giving up is a real risk especially if you don’t recognize that learning is a process and there are two stages ahead.

This is also the stage when your self-limiting beliefs interfere the most. With the shaky sense of competence it’s easy to start questioning your confidence, abilities, potential and the plausibility of reaching your goal. It is vital that you persist at this stage and that you can rely on that self-control muscle you’ve been exercising. It will require quit a bit of self-control to continue your learning despite feeling incompetent and self-limiting beliefs. But remember, this is only the 2^nd and the most uncomfortable part of the process – it will get better! Having your vision to keep you on track also is vital to move on to the next stage.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence ~ I know what I know

Once you persist in Stage 2, you build of a sense of competence as a result of learning. You are aware of possessing some expertise while still doing conscious thinking when you apply that expertise. Now you know where to shop for blankets among other things and rely much less on your neighbor’s help with day-to-day tasks. Until we gain complete mastery the process looks like a tennis game between stages two and three. You are comfortable in using your newly required skills with enough concentration and focus, however you still run into situations where you find yourself in Stage 2.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence ~ I’m not aware, and I know

This is when your expertise or skill flows naturally. You don’t need to concentrate hard on what to do next – you leave the house without carefully planning every step of your shopping trip! You engage in the necessary actions without much thought. You no longer think the past tense for an irregular verb – you just say it.

A lot of the times the difficulty of learning a new skill, being in a new context, or going through change is due to not realizing or acknowledging that these are processes that take time and follow a pattern. This awareness alleviates the feeling of being stuck – generally at the Conscious Incompetence stage.

Self-reflection into where you are in your learning journey will benefit you in several ways:

• it will give you the control over emotions associated with feeling incompetent – recognize and label the emotion (i.e., “I am feeling frustrated /impatient/upset because…. ) and acknowledge it is normal and part of the process and it will change.
• it will give you chances to celebrate as you move forward in the process. This is something most of us neglect to do – just like you acknowledge emotions do the same for your successes. Don’t be too modest or normalize them – take credit for them!
• you’ll be better in managing the swings you experience between stages two and three. You wouldn’t feel like all your efforts are gone astray just because you run into difficulties.

Finally remember to compassionate towards yourself. Recent research shows self-compassion to be as valuable a resource as self-esteem. Ask yourself how you would react to a friend when she’s experiencing ups and downs in her learning process – you’d champion her when she feels incompetent and you’d cheer when she succeeds, even when she's being modest. You deserve the same treatment for yourself!

Three fundamental human needs (Part II): How well are you fitting in?

Last time I wrote about one of our fundamental needs – the need to belong. There are a number of secondary needs that result from that. Wanting to fit in is a consequence of our need to belong. We all know the lengths we go to fit in – within our families, professional groups, friends, or even in a group of strangers. We comply with requests that we would rather not, or follow norms that we’re not convinced of – all in the service of fitting in. In some cultures – the collectivistic ones such as Japanese, Chinese, Latin American – fitting in takes on even a greater importance. A Japanese proverb says “The nail that stands out gets pounded down” or a Japanese comic poem warns:

Ecstatic at being
set free
the bird collides with the tree

A Dutch saying I’ve learned recently advises “The head above the cornfield gets chopped off”. In the expat lives the need to belong and a desire to fit in become even more pronounced – we become almost desperate, if I may dare to say, to blend in.

In the book Expat one American woman, living in Indonesia, describes how she started wearing ankle length skirts, both to be properly attired in Muslim eyes and to cover the pale color of her skin. One of the first things we’ve done when we moved to Amsterdam was to buy bikes – not only because it’s the best way to get around but also to fit in! This is a place where having a number of your bikes stolen is an indication of how local you’ve become! Same goes for the efforts to learn the local language . In the Netherlands where you can easily get by just by speaking English many expats still make an effort to learn Dutch (which requires quite an investment with respect to time and effort). Most people still want to learn it because they want to fit in.

There are numerous costs to not fitting in: ranging from being a target of aggression or ridicule to social exclusion - one of the most dreaded outcomes for humans. One expat complained how she felt excluded because her Dutch colleagues insisted on speaking in Dutch instead of English during meetings – ironically, in an organization whose mission is to serve and support expats. After a while, her response was to stop making contributions during these meetings.

This, disengagement or passivity, is a typical response to social exclusion. Other consequences are increased negative thoughts about the self, sadness, dejection, loneliness, and depression. Social exclusion is perceived as a painful, anxiety producing experience. Another grim outcome could be questioning whether one’s existence is meaningful, which on its own can pave the way for further damaging consequences. These negative thoughts, emotions, and behavioral patterns could be serious obstructions on the way of adapting and feeling at home.

So what’s the way around it? How can an expat make sure her needs to belong and to fit in are satisfied to make the best out of her experience in her host country? And what would be ways to cope with some obstacles along the way?

As for many other needs the first step is awareness. You might be experiencing some of the thoughts and emotions I mentioned above – but have you accurately identified the underlying reasons? You might very well be attributing them to homesickness or to your personality (for example, being an introvert). Ask yourself: How well have I been fitting in? How would I rate my sense of belongingness?

One can very easily get sucked up in the cycle of not having a sense of belongingness or inclusion; followed by disengagement and passivity; which further hinders taking steps to satisfy your need to belong and fit in. Try to break the cycle by first becoming aware of it, and then taking action. The action might take different forms:

1. creating new, more positive thoughts (e.g., "It is under my control to be included" or "It is very normal for the locals to speak their own language, their intention is not to exclude me")
   
2. trying on different perspectives about the situation (e.g., "This is a great opportunity to try different ways of interacting with others - an opportunity hard to come by at home" or "This is the first time where I feel very different from others, I could learn a lot from this experience.")
   
3. putting in effort to do things that will increase you sense of belongingness (e.g. learning the language or joining groups you can relate to)

One thing you need to remember is being compassionate towards yourself. Try to show the same understanding you would to others who are on a journey of living in a foreign culture. It is a process and how much you’ll enjoy will depend on your attitude and how much you take care of yourself.

Three fundamental human needs (part 1): Need to belong and why I might be having difficulty making Dutch friends…

“Life in a foreign country is a dance of submission and resistance. Self-knowledge comes in small repeated shocks as you find yourself giving in easily, with a struggle, or not at all. What can you do without? What do you cling to?” from Expat

I’ve been reading a book called Expat – Women’s True Tales of Life Abroad. The stories were written by a group of American women about their lives abroad – in countries as diverse as the group of writers: Japan, Egypt, England, Brazil, Mexico, Indonesia, Australia, Taiwan… Even though each story covers a unique experience, by the time I reached the end of the 22nd and the last story the running thread was so clear in my mind: need to belong while trying to keep whatever you think constitutes your identity… It didn’t matter if it was a Taiwanese American going back to Taiwan or an American living in Borneo all women talked about their efforts to fit in to their host culture by learning the language and getting used to the local food and customs. But along with the efforts to fit in most of them also developed a yearning to connect with their own home culture – not only because that is partly what makes them who they are, but also because it is what is familiar.

Even though each of us, as individuals, is unique there are some universal needs that we all share. Three fundamental needs that we come across in different lines of research in psychology are: the need to belong; the need to be autonomous; and the need to be competent. These are needs that motivated humans to engage in behaviors that maximized their chances of survival as well as healthy functioning for many generations. So it’s no surprise that when expats tell about their experiences, how they struggled to meet these needs becomes the underlying essence of their stories. In the next few posts I would like to reflect on these fundamental needs and how they play out a bit differently in the lives of expats.

I referred to the need to belong numerous times in this blog as I kept on recommending building a social support network as one of the key resources – not only for expats but for anyone, especially at times of stress and challenges. Next to numerous other benefits a social network satisfies our need to belong. According to an extensive review of research on the need to belong, this fundamental need appears to have two aspects:

1. having frequent personal contacts and interactions – ideally, positive or pleasant or at least, free from conflict and negative affect.
2. having a perception of interpersonal bonds or relationships marked by stability, emotional concern and continuation into the foreseeable future.

While being included is associated with positive emotions such as happiness, elation, contentment, and calm; social exclusion has many negative consequences including sadness, disengagement, passivity, loneliness, anxiety, depression, and negative thoughts about the self leading to a decline in self-esteem. People who feel excluded also question whether their existence is meaningful (more on fitting in and social exclusion next time).

For expats, most of whom left their families and friends behind, the need to belong becomes more salient in a new environment. No wonder one of the first things people do when they move to a new country is to start seeking out other expats who are in a similar situation. It is the fastest way to make connections when everyone has a strong motivation to satisfy the same fundamental need. It generally takes longer to establish connections with locals, who already have their social networks. Generally the first of the two aspects of the need to belong – frequent personal contacts and interactions – is taken care of rather quickly. It’s the second aspect that takes more time and effort – building bonds that are perceived as stable, continuous and involve emotional concern.

The good news is that the need to belong seems to conform to the motivational pattern of satiation and substitution. That is, people need a few close relationships and forming additional bonds beyond those few has less and less impact. Therefore, there is a world of difference between having two close relationships as opposed to none; but not so much difference between having eight versus six (Actually, three seems to be the magical number here).

This might also explain why many locals are not as keen as expats to form friendships or are content with just staying as acquaintances – because they already have enough relationships in their lives and the additional value they’ll get from new ones might not be worth the investment they’ll need to make. My husband and I have been complaining about the difficulty of making Dutch friends – it’s never difficult to chi-chat or go for a beer; but as I also hear from other expats going beyond that is proving to be tough.

How do I make Dutch friends, then?
What does an expat to do if she really wants to make local friends? I believe reciprocity might just be the answer here. When we look at the social influence literature reciprocity emerges as one of the most powerful tools in getting what we want. Reciprocity is a deeply ingrained rule of social interactions – give people something they value and appreciate they feel the need to reciprocate almost automatically. I think in the Netherlands the key might just be the effort you put in learning Dutch! Almost all Dutch people speak English well, so speaking Dutch doesn’t seem to be necessary to communicate. However, I keep on hearing from people who have lived here long enough that if you want to make Dutch friends speaking Dutch is the way to go. It makes more sense when I think of it from the reciprocity perspective: “If you make the effort to learn my language (which is not only quite difficult to learn but also quite limited with respect to its use in other places) then I would reciprocate by including you in my friends circle.” That doesn’t mean people are consciously thinking that way or actually aware of reciprocity being a key player in deciding to become friends with expats. In any case I think it is an explanation worth considering - what do you think? Well, I guess that also means Dutch classes for me!


References:

Expat: Women's True Tales of Life Abroad
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497-529.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.

Are self-affirmations only for high self-esteem people?

A recent article in Psychological Science (March, 2009) by Dr. Joan Wood and her colleagues from University of Waterloo has stirred up quite a bit of discussion about the value of self-affirmations. People started questioning if we’ve been all wrong in repeating positive statements to ourselves or believing in positive psychology. The findings of the study suggest that self-affirmations do work for high self-esteem people (who are already doing quiet well) and they actually backfire among low self-esteem people (who are believed to need the benefits more) by leading to negative mood.

So, shall we stop relying on self-affirmations on our journeys to be at our best? Well, I think that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water! I think there is great value in discussing if the self-affirmations work – this is a good time to weed out false assumptions and unrealistic expectations about how and when they work.

First of all, the skeptics are right about the value in repeating affirmations such as “I am great”,“ I am successful in whatever I do” or “Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises” without even the slightest reality check! My own research has challenged the assumption of “having overly positive self-views is good for you”. Let’s do our reality check about the value of self-affirmations, shall we?

In social psychology literature there are quiet a few studies that would help us make sense of the self-affirmation business and the confusion around it. Dr. Bill Swann and his colleagues have published numerous articles about a need called “self-verification” – the need to collect evidence or feedback to validate the self-perceptions we have. In one study published in 1981 they pitted self-verification against self-enhancement: Do people prefer validating who they are or do they prefer to receive positive feedback even if it conflicts with their self-perceptions?

Their findings showed that when it comes to choosing between feedback that was consistent with people’s self-perceptions (self-verification) versus enhancing feedback that conflicted with self-perceptions, people preferred the former. In other words, positive feedback for a person who didn’t have positive self-perceptions was not readily acceptable, and he would rather take the verifying not-so-positive feedback. Of course the process was more straightforward for high self-esteem people - because positive feedback was in line with their already positive self-perceptions it further reinforced their self-perceptions. Based on these findings we really shouldn’t be surprised about the recent findings on self-affirmation – that, it works better for high self-esteem people than their low self-esteem counterparts.

Similar set of results were reported by University of California researchers: self-affirmation helps high self-esteem people cope with stress by reducing psychological stress responses, while it actually exacerbates responses among low self-esteem people (Creswell et al, 2005; although it helped both groups by leading to a decrease in their physiological stress responses). But no need to be discouraged – let me explain why…

Luckily, giving people positive feedback that conflicts with what they “know” about themselves (which is akin to using self-affirmations) is not the only way to affirm the self. There is well-established evidence in social psychology that shows the benefits of an albeit a slightly different way of affirming the self. This form of self-affirmation involves thinking or writing about your core (personal and/or cultural) values and things you are competent at; and doing things, even small ones, in line with your values. Note that, here the affirmations are not unrealistic or overly positive statements. They are also not global statements such as “I am good enough” or “I am lovable”. They are about specific values (e.g., family, legacy, fairness) or competencies (e.g., being a supportive team member, a good tennis player).

These self-affirmations have been shown to help people to restore their self-image especially following a blow to their self-esteem. In other words, especially after a failure or rejection, affirming the self this way helps you bounce back quickly. They work especially well if affirmations are done in an unrelated domain. In other words, when you receive negative feedback at work, use self-affirmations about your relationships.

A recent study on further benefits of self-affirmation (Schmeichel & Vohs, 2009) showed its role in replenishing self-control, which is a limited resource that gets depleted after tasks that require will power. Consider these situations that require self-control and will-power: getting yourself out of a negative mood; managing to generate positive thoughts following negative events; ability to manage emotions; ability to motivate yourself; delaying short-term gratification for future benefits. For sure you would want to have enough resources to be successful in accomplishing them – and self-affirmation is a tool you wouldn’t want to discard, regardless of your level of self-esteem.

A very important point to consider is what outcome we have in mind when we ask the question “Does self-affirmation work?” We have to ask more specific questions: Does it work in

• feeling better about yourself? (Only for high self-esteem people, Wood et al.)
• boosting your mood? (No for moods we are aware of; yes for unconscious moods which further decrease ruminative thoughts, Koole et al.)
• strengthening the will power? (Yes, Schmeical & Vohs)
• reducing perceptions of stress? (Only for high self-esteem people, Creswell et al.)
• reducing physiological stress responses (Yes, Creswell et al.)

Then, the take home message would be to continue using self-affirmations, but maybe in a different way/form that you were using.

• Focus on your positive aspects (and contrary to popular belief, low self-esteem people also believe they do have some positive aspects) and affirm them by writing about them.
• Reflect on your core personal values and/or the values of your culture, which form your worldview. Again, either write about these values, or take some action - small or big - to validate those values.

Warning: Research also suggests that self-affirmations are not effective when one tries too hard and is fully aware of using them to increase self-worth. So try to find more subtle ways of affirming the self.

Run beyond the boundaries: Changing the self-limiting beliefs

Last time I suggested that you reflect on the self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) if you would like to make better use of your potential to reach your ideal-self and your dreams. If you have a list of these SLBs that have been blocking you in getting where you would like to be, here are the next steps.

Step 1: Figure out the hidden benefits of the SLBs.
Last time I mentioned that these beliefs have been there because they serve some purpose – so what are the hidden benefits they’ve been providing you with? In other words what are the advantages of holding each of the SLBs? For example, if the SLB is “I am not confident enough”, some of the hidden benefits might be, you don’t take action that might carry the risk of failure or rejection – so you don’t need to cope with failure and rejection, pretty big benefit!
Once you have the benefits listed, also make a list of the costs of holding those beliefs. This should be easier since it was probably part of discovering the SLBs themselves.

Step 2: Flip the belief and look for evidence to support the new version.
Flip it: “I am confident”; evidence: “I did present the product idea to my boss this morning”; “I did hold my ground in answering questions”; “I did take action even though I felt some anxiety” etc… This is a great way of challenging the SLBs.

Step 3: Pick one!
Ask yourself which belief you want to stick with (i.e., “I am not confident” or “I am confident”) which one do you like better, which one do you want: the SLB or the opposite?

Step 4: Use confirmation bias
Consciously set the confirmation bias into action – be the best lawyer you could be to look for evidence in support of this belief. While at it, make sure to overlook conflicting information along the way. This might feel unnatural at first but when you think about it, it is actually something we are experts at (hint: Remember all the times you previously failed to notice how you were being confident?)! But very important point is to be consistent and intentional in doing this. Beliefs take time to change, therefore it is crucial to stick with process and keep a track of the benefits you’re getting from holding that belief (journaling might be a good idea).


Supports & tips along the way...

1. One thing that would support you along the way would be using self-affirmation. Numerous studies (see references) have shown that reflecting upon positive aspects of oneself replenishes resources to exert self-control. And believe me, replacing SLBs with new beliefs requires quitea bit of self-control! Self-affirmations could be thinking or writing about your core values and things you are competent at, or they could be doing things, even small ones, in line with your values.

2. In line with the above point, because self-control is a limited resource don’t try to attempt changing too many beliefs at a time (more on this in a later post).

3. Similar to any task that requires effort, one of your best bets would be to rely on social support. Share your commitment in changing your SLBs with someone whom you know will support you. This helps in three ways. First, it means more accountability to change the beliefs; secondly, another person can help you to do your reality check by being more objective; and lastly, their positive feedback will have similar benefits as self-affirmation.

Enjoy running beyond those self-imposed boundaries and opening up more possibilities for yourself!


References
Schmeichel, Brandon J.; Vohs, Kathleen (2009). Self-affirmation and self-control: Affirming core values counteracts ego depletion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 96(4), 770-782.

Steele, C. M. (1988). The psychology of self-affirmation: Sustaining the integrity of the self. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 21, pp. 261-302). New York: Academic Press.

Are you setting yourself up?

“Rabbits have a powerful notion of their territory. They stay inside the self-proclaimed boundaries no matter what. Even if a coyote chases them to the brink of their known land, and escape is in sight, they will turn around and run straight into the jaws of the predator rather than risk the new ground.”

This was shared in a blog post I read a few days ago. I don’t know anything about rabbits, or if they actually do behave like that but I thought this provides a powerful image about the topic I would like to write about – self-limiting beliefs.

Self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) constitute a core area in my coaching work. Most of the time people complain about external obstacles ranging from circumstances such as workload, to other people such as competitive colleagues . But really, the biggest obstacle that keep them from where or who they want to be are these beliefs they hold on to – consciously or more dangerously, unconsciously.

• I am not creative/extraverted/ambitious enough.
• I am not confident enough.
• I don’t have the necessary skills/experience.
• I can’t handle it.
• I must be perfect.
• I should make everyone happy.
• No one wants to get to know me.

Sound familiar? It is not that we are acutely or consistently thinking or aware of these beliefs, YET they do continue limiting us.

The workings of our minds rely on two types of processing. Controlled processing is the thinking that we are conscious and aware of, that takes up our brain energy and resources. Automatic processing, on the other hand, is the type of thinking that continues running at the background, effortlessly and outside our awareness. To make it more concrete, imagine you are having a meeting with your boss. Formulating an argument as to why you should use a particular strategy involves controlled processing; reading her body language and other nonverbal cues to assess if she is convinced by your argument as you speak are mostly handled through automatic processing. Recent research shows much of our processing fall under the second category, and of course this has powerful implications for our thinking, emotions, decision-making, and behaviors (more on this on another post).

What is important in this context is that many SLBs do operate at the automatic level – they almost act as lenses through which you perceive and evaluate the world and yourself. Inevitably, they influence your goal setting, motivation, and behaviors even when you are not aware of them. One of the best things you could do for yourself is to shine the light of awareness on the SLBs to bring them to your consciousness so you can do something about them. That means you take a step to become aware of the territory you’ve trapped yourself into - unless you would like to avoid the consequences, of course. The consequences, though not as terrible as the one for the rabbits, might include missing out on

• coming close to your ideal self
• taking a shot at your dream job
• meeting some amazing people
• moving forward in your career
• living a fulfilling life

And if you ask me, they’re worth serious consideration. Yet, I bet there will be some serious resistance and a lot of rationalization that will make the discovery challenging, especially because these SLBs do serve some purpose. Their “hidden benefits” include protecting you (and your self-esteem) from rejection, failure, responsibility, or hard-work. No wonder they’ve become automatic over the years! A few ways to “uncover” the SLBs:

• Take a look at you ideal self and ask “What beliefs or stories I’ve been telling myself have been keeping me at a distance from my ideal self?”.
• Make a list of things you really really want(ed) to do; the goals you set for yourself but have been ignoring or neglecting. Do some thinking on why you haven’t been working towards them.
• Reflect on those almost “outrageous” dreams you want to realize – so “out-there” that you didn’t even dare to include them under your ideal self (e.g., running a marathon, setting up your own business). They are great in mining the most powerful SLBs.

Once you’ve done that, you might ask “Now, what?” First of all, acknowledge your accomplishment: awareness is one of the most important steps of tackling SLBs - now you know what your self-proclaimed boundaries are. Next time, some tips & tools to start working on them…

Why do some decisions feel better than others - that is, independent of the outcome?

In an earlier post I wrote about different ways/orientations to set goals and regulate behavior – prevention and promotion focus: First one referring to a focus on absence of negatives, and the latter one to achieving positive things. If you reflected on the questions at the end of that post or completed the Regulatory Focus Questionnaire, you have an idea which one is more dominant for you.

I had also mentioned the strategies to reach these goals. One can either pick a means that will maximize possibilities – an eager strategy; or she can pick one that will minimize potential mistakes – a vigilant strategy.

So far it’s a recap of an earlier post. Here’s what’s new: the fit between the regulatory focus (prevention vs. promotion) and the strategy you use to reach your goals (vigilant vs. eager). Recent research shows that the fit between these two factors has important consequences for motivation, decision-making and the value we get from our decisions.

First, the fit between regulatory focus/orientation and the means to reach the goals influences the motivation. A person with a prevention focus has a stronger motivation to pursue a goal when using a vigilant strategy rather than an eager strategy. For example, a sales manager with a prevention focus will have higher motivation when using a strategy that emphasizes watching out for costs, rather than looking out for profits. If you’re leading a team of people with diverse regulatory orientations that would mean you’re better off to frame goals accordingly, and be flexible in suggesting a mix of vigilant and eager strategies that would map onto both prevention and promotion orientations.

Secondly, when the fit between orientation and strategy is high people feel more alert both when making decisions and after making a decision. They also evaluate their decisions more positively. These two consequences combined could explain why a particular decision can be more satisfying for some than for others independent of the outcome of the decision– both across different people (e.g. in a team) and for the same person across different decisions.

Finally, the fit also has an impact on the value people assign to outcomes. For example, people with prevention or promotion orientations assign a higher monetary value to an object that they have chosen by using the compatible strategy – vigilant or eager, respectively. What does that mean? Your perception of how valuable something increases when your decision-making reflects the fit – you also become more likely to pay a higher amount for it.

These findings have important implications for the enjoyment of goal pursuit. The higher the fit the more satisfaction you’ll get from pursuing your goals. This also means you play an active role in the value you get from an object or a service through your regulatory focus and the strategy you choose to make a decision. You can increase the enjoyment you get from goal pursuit by being aware of your regulatory orientation and by being mindful in choosing a compatible strategy to maximize the fit between the two.

Feeling good about your decision and the outcome of your decision is under your control. The better you know yourself the better you can regulate your behavior and the better you feel! Now, how good is that?

You are an expat, therefore….

Anyone who hasn’t been stereotyped or prejudiced against? The answer is rarely “Me!”. So it’s highly likely that you’ll relate to what I’ll describe in this post - especially if you are among the “people on the move”; a group who gets frequently stereotyped in different cultures, if not anything as “expats”.

Last time, I wrote if you think all stereotypes are negative that’s a prejudice, but then why’s there so much negative talk about stereotypes? From one perspective they are very useful because they help us to categorize and deal with the vast amount of social information that we are exposed to. In that sense they are not too different from other beliefs or knowledge structures we have, or generalizations we make such as ripe fruits are sweet, or German cars are reliable. They help us to process and store the information we have about the world, and to make judgments’ and decisions as we go along.

From the users’ perspective there are not too many downsides to relying on stereotypes – except for making some inaccurate judgments about people from time to time, which might have serious or not-so-serious consequences. Possibly the main reason why stereotypes are treated as the bad guys is the impact stereotyping has on the targets.

We can talk about three ways in which stereotyping influences the targets. First is through the way people explain positive and negative outcomes. Imagine (and for most people – just remember) that you are a member of a stereotyped social group. You are well aware of the stereotype and you know that it includes the belief that your group is not competent in a particular domain (e.g., social skills, math, sports, academics, management). Let’s take management. You’ve just received your evaluation as a manager and it’s rather a negative one. Now, you find yourself wondering how objective your supervisor was in evaluating your performance – does the report reflect an accurate assessment of your skills; or has the stereotype related to your social group played a role? Or think of the other scenario where you’ve got a great evaluation, and you find yourself asking a similar question: Is it really me; or is it the company policy about encouraging minorities? In either case the reasons behind the evaluation will carry some ambiguity. And this ambiguity will have implications for your future motivation and performance.

The second way in which stereotyping can influence the targets is through the anxiety it creates. Typical scenario is that you – as a member of a stereotyped group – are aware of the stereotype that your group is perceived not to be that good in a domain (e.g., Math for women; intelligence and academic success for many minorities or people from lower socioeconomic status etc.,). When you find yourself in a situation that will emphasize your skills in that domain, the thought of not performing well and confirming the stereotype creates anxiety. On top of that add the anxiety about doing something that will reflect negatively on your group – now you have enough anxiety to undermine your performance! This, by now well-established effect – is called stereotype threat and its impacts have been demonstrated from educational settings to workplace.

Finally, stereotypes also have a negative impact on targets through the process of self-fulfilling prophecy. Imagine that your manager, in line with her stereotype of your social group, has low expectations of you. Therefore she assigns low priority goals or projects to you. So you get to display your skills in a limited scope; or following the reciprocity norm, you respond by low contributions to low expectations. What ensues is self-fulfilling prophecy demonstrated by a cycle of low expectations - limited contribution that perpetuates the stereotype.  

How about people’s expectations about YOU as a result of their “expat” stereotype: that you make tons of money; your employment comes at the expense of locals’ employment; you’re driving the housing process/rents up; you are living in their community just temporarily? How has being the target of “expat” stereotype been influencing you?

You might be wondering how to work around it – how to break the cycle. Here are a few suggestions:

 

• Don’t give in to your “saboteur*” who will try to undermine your successes by saying “You got the promotion because you are from Group X”; or who will make you nervous by saying “You know what they think – you’re going to fail because you’re from Group X”.

• Instead, take credit for your very own accomplishments; do your reality check with trusted colleagues. To be at your best, make sure to be honest in your self-assessments and avoid the tendency to consistently blame the stereotypes. Work with a coach to support you in dealing with self-limiting beliefs.

• In dealing with stereotype threat: make a list of times when you did succeed in the domain despite what the stereotype suggests. Enrich your list with examples from other members of your group. Make the list easily accessible for future reference so that dealing with anxiety becomes a very easy task.  

• Be aware of the expectations due to stereotypes and deliberately set targets to go beyond them. Get involved in setting goals for yourself and demand higher goals to show your skills.

• Highlight accomplishments – yours or other stereotyped individuals’ – to encourage stereotype change especially given people’s tendency to regard those cases as “exceptions” to keep their stereotypes intact. 
  

*saboteur : also known as “inner critic”, “negative self-talk”

Do I need to change my stereotype about the Dutch?

Yes, I took too long of a break from writing, and I have many exciting things to write about – from my trip to Turkey, to the inspiring seminar panel “From Diversity to Inclusion” organized by the Netherlands – Canadian Chamber of Commerce and KPMG yesterday. Last time, I had promised to write more about the regulatory focus but I’ll leave that to another post and share some thoughts on the gender diversity topic and social norms this time.

Let me share a “stereotype” I’ve had and partly still have about the Netherlands – the stereotype that motivated me to move to Amsterdam. The components of the stereotype are: tolerant, multicultural, welcomes diversity, progressive, liberal, English language-friendly, individualistic, aware of what’s going on in the world, friendly in a North European way (i.e., easy to start conversations, but difficult to go beyond the acquaintance level), organized, too planned – not spontaneous. You might think “but that doesn’t look like a stereotype, it’s too positive” – well that’s your prejudice against stereotypes, that they are all negative. Well, they are not. One thing stereotypes do is that they create expectancies and we go around looking for evidence to support them (see the post on Confirmation Bias). But I am more interested in what happens when we come across information that conflicts with our stereotypes. And that’s what happened for me this week – part of my stereotype about the Netherlands/Dutch was challenged.

During the presentations of an impressive group of speakers – Avivah Wittenberg-Cox, Dr. Claartje Vinkenburg, Dr. Alison Konrad – I learned that in the Netherlands almost 75% of women in workforce (59% of Dutch women are in the workforce) are on some form of part-time working arrangement. And possibly, as a consequence of that (of course in conjunction with other factors) the representation of women in management positions is among the lowest in Europe. According to a Grant Thornton survey in 2007, only 13% of senior management level positions were held by women in the Netherlands, as opposed to 21% in France, 23% in Poland, 34% in Russia, and 50% in the Philippines.

So what do these numbers have to do with my stereotype? The norms behind this pattern was what challenged the “progressive” component of my Netherlands/Dutch stereotype – Dutch society appears to be quite traditional or do I dare to say, conservative when it comes to the roles of men and women in relation to family and work issues. Family-related responsibilities and childcare are still seen as mainly the responsibility of women, whereas the “breadwinner” role is ascribed to men. 

First-hand I can share a comment made by one of our Dutch neighbors in response to my question regarding if/when she’s going back to full-time schedule “My husband makes enough money, I don’t think I need to work full-time”. I had “sub-typed” her or thought she was an exception until I saw the numbers presented yesterday. Of course the regulations such as the time for maternity and paternity leaves - 16 weeks and 2 days, respectively – do further help perpetuate the gender roles.

According to the research of Dr. Vinkenburg, the Director of the Amsterdam Center for Career Research at Vrije Universitiet Amsterdam, at workplace women are also perceived as being less competent once they become mothers, or as early as they get pregnant. It also becomes (even) less acceptable for them to express being ambitious about their careers. There is also a very real peer pressure going as far as judging them as “bad mothers” with sarcastic comments such as “So, you are the career mom who doesn’t have time to pick kids up from school?” It is always ironic to see the role women play in perpetuating the status quo.

You could ask “What’s wrong with it if women (and men) are happy with the norm?” My concern lies not in pushing people for the egalitarian roles per se, but rather in the impact that the norm has on people who would like to deviate from it. There are women who would like to push their way up in the career ladder and hence, prefer or must work full-time; as well as there are men who would like to work part-time and play a more active role in raising the kids. As social beings, humans’ functioning is very dependent on the social norms – more than we would like to admit.

 
In the light of these norms and numbers, the advantage I’ve once attributed to “The Netherlands being one of the easiest places to raise kids” has taken on a whole different meaning. Flexible working arrangements, which could be seen as an advantage and a sign of progressive work-life balance mentality in many other places, seem to be a liability for the careers of women in the Netherlands. This raises a few questions for me:

• Are most women and men aware of the liability of part-time work arrangement for their careers and families?
  
• To what extent do men and women incorporate the traditional gender roles in their identity? To what extent are they yielding to the social influence/norms – consciously or unconsciously? 
  
• How does the “part-time work” norm influence women who prefer to work full-time? 
  
• How do the Dutch men and women define “work-life” balance?
  
• And finally, should I be revising my stereotype as Dutch being very progressive – at least with respect to gender roles?