"It takes backbone to lead the life you want, Frank."

April Wheeler: Don't you see? That's the whole idea! You'll be able to do what you should have been allowed to do seven years ago, you'll have the time. For the first time in your life, you'll have the time to find out what it is you actually want to do. And when you figure it out, you'll have the time and the freedom, to start doing.

Frank Wheeler: This doesn't seem very realistic.

April Wheeler: No, Frank. This is what's unrealistic. It's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. Coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things.

This is a dialogue from one of the most powerful movies I have seen recently – Revolutionary Road. It is full of strong messages and thoughts worth pondering upon. For people who haven’t seen the film, it is the story of a young couple, Frank and April, living in a Connecticut suburb during the mid-1950s struggle to come to terms with their personal problems while trying to raise their two children. But really, it is a powerful depiction of the strong conflict between living a life in line with your dreams versus living a life in accordance with the script of the times and the society one lives in. And how this conflict could become magnified in a relationship in the dynamics of interdependence.

A prominent researcher in social psychology – Dr. Tory Higgins – talks about different selves people have. First a person has the actual self – that is who she currently is. Then there are the two “self-guides”. The ideal self, that involves her dreams, aspirations, desires. And the ought self, her understanding of what others want her to be - the self she thinks she should be. The conflict portrayed in Revolutionary Road is one between the ideal and the ought selves.

It gets more interesting when we look at the implications of having a discrepancy between who you are – your actual self – and each of the two self guides. According to the self-discrepancy theory of Dr. Higgins, when our actual self doesn’t align with our ideal self we typically feel depression-related emotions – disappointment, sadness and dejection. Indeed, in the movie we observe April experiencing all these feelings as she fails to do something that will get her closer to who she desires to be. 

The discrepancy between the actual self and the ought self – who we think we should be, however, is associated with a different set of emotions. We experience anxiety-related emotions – fear, worry, tension, guilt. We can see April’s husband Frank getting agitated and anxious when his prospective boss makes a comment about how his late father would be proud of him when he accepts that well-paying new position – a position he was planning to decline to fulfill his and his wife’s dreams in Paris, instead.

Of course, emotions are not the only implications of these discrepancies we experience when we perceive our selves as not measuring up to our ideals and standards. There are also motivational outcomes as we deal with the emotional discomfort. That is when we start looking for justifications – like when Frank says, “Well I support you, don’t I? I work 10 hours a day at a job I can’t stand” after accepting the high paying position to the dismay of his wife. Quite different from his wife April’s striving for taking action and planning on moving to Paris to close the gap between their current life and what they’ve aspired for, “that they would be wonderful in this world”.

This pull & push between the ideal and the ought selves is a major force that motivates many people to take action and work with a coach - people who can relate to April who says, “I saw a whole other future. I can’t stop seeing it.” Of course, it is not the easy way and it takes a lot of courage – or backbone. However, the key shift happens when one realizes that leading the current life in order to be the person she should be is a far greater risk than taking the chance to go for what she really wants.

For now here’s a few things to think about:

• What are your aspirations, dreams, desires? What does your ideal self look like?
  
• How about your ought self – the type of person you think you “should” be? 
  
• Which one is really more risky – striving for who you want to be or working on who you should be? 
  

The type of discrepancy you are dealing with also influences the way you approach your goals – but more on this next time….

Have a ride to the airport for an early flight?

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A few years ago on my way to the airport I was explaining to my friend, who kindly gave me a ride – how getting a ride to the airport was a good indicator of the social support network one had. Indeed, it is one of the items in a social support scale. In the next few entries that's what I will focus on - social network.

Why talk about social support? Need to belong is one of the two fundamental psychological needs humans have – the other one is autonomy. There are numerous studies that show how having a social network predicts overall wellness – physical as well as psychological. Social support acts as a buffer against stress, boosts your immune system, bolsters your self-esteem. People who have strong social ties are less likely to suffer heart attacks; they recover faster from surgeries or strokes; and they are less likely to be overwhelmed by stressors… Believe it or not it even makes you live longer!

Living abroad, I came to appreciate the importance of social support even more. Each time I moved to a new city, without exception, the most important thing that anchored me was the support of my family and friends. My perception of the challenges of relocating is tremendously impacted by the social network I have. First of all I receive emotional support – having people who listen to your worries, fears, and reassure you that all will be Okay is priceless. Then, there is the informational support – advice and suggestions about the many challenges of relocation from renting an apartment to finding a family doctor. And it doesn’t end there! People in a social network also offer tangible assistance - helping with packing, selling or storing things, or giving a ride to the airport!

I experienced the support of my social network first hand again last week, when I launched the SetSail Coaching website. Family and friends from all over the world kindly offered their support with emails, calls, referrals, or by joining to the Facebook group of the company – boosting my motivation and confidence further.

Of course, like with many other things, it is not the quantity but the quality that matters when it comes to social support. According to research three seems to be the critical number here – if you have three people in your life that you can count on, you are pretty much on the safe side.

How about you? How strong is your social support?

• Is there someone who takes pride in your accomplishments?
  
• Do you feel there is someone with whom you can share your worries and fears?
  
• Would you have a hard time finding someone to go with you to a day trip?
  
• Do you meet or talk with your family and friends often?
  
• Do most people you know think highly of you?
  
• And, if you needed an early-morning ride to the airport, is there someone you could comfortably ask?
  

So… Are you satisfied with the supports you have in your life? If your answer is anything less than “Definitely!” well, what are you going to do about it?