Run beyond the boundaries: Changing the self-limiting beliefs

Last time I suggested that you reflect on the self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) if you would like to make better use of your potential to reach your ideal-self and your dreams. If you have a list of these SLBs that have been blocking you in getting where you would like to be, here are the next steps.

Step 1: Figure out the hidden benefits of the SLBs.
Last time I mentioned that these beliefs have been there because they serve some purpose – so what are the hidden benefits they’ve been providing you with? In other words what are the advantages of holding each of the SLBs? For example, if the SLB is “I am not confident enough”, some of the hidden benefits might be, you don’t take action that might carry the risk of failure or rejection – so you don’t need to cope with failure and rejection, pretty big benefit!
Once you have the benefits listed, also make a list of the costs of holding those beliefs. This should be easier since it was probably part of discovering the SLBs themselves.

Step 2: Flip the belief and look for evidence to support the new version.
Flip it: “I am confident”; evidence: “I did present the product idea to my boss this morning”; “I did hold my ground in answering questions”; “I did take action even though I felt some anxiety” etc… This is a great way of challenging the SLBs.

Step 3: Pick one!
Ask yourself which belief you want to stick with (i.e., “I am not confident” or “I am confident”) which one do you like better, which one do you want: the SLB or the opposite?

Step 4: Use confirmation bias
Consciously set the confirmation bias into action – be the best lawyer you could be to look for evidence in support of this belief. While at it, make sure to overlook conflicting information along the way. This might feel unnatural at first but when you think about it, it is actually something we are experts at (hint: Remember all the times you previously failed to notice how you were being confident?)! But very important point is to be consistent and intentional in doing this. Beliefs take time to change, therefore it is crucial to stick with process and keep a track of the benefits you’re getting from holding that belief (journaling might be a good idea).


Supports & tips along the way...

1. One thing that would support you along the way would be using self-affirmation. Numerous studies (see references) have shown that reflecting upon positive aspects of oneself replenishes resources to exert self-control. And believe me, replacing SLBs with new beliefs requires quitea bit of self-control! Self-affirmations could be thinking or writing about your core values and things you are competent at, or they could be doing things, even small ones, in line with your values.

2. In line with the above point, because self-control is a limited resource don’t try to attempt changing too many beliefs at a time (more on this in a later post).

3. Similar to any task that requires effort, one of your best bets would be to rely on social support. Share your commitment in changing your SLBs with someone whom you know will support you. This helps in three ways. First, it means more accountability to change the beliefs; secondly, another person can help you to do your reality check by being more objective; and lastly, their positive feedback will have similar benefits as self-affirmation.

Enjoy running beyond those self-imposed boundaries and opening up more possibilities for yourself!


References
Schmeichel, Brandon J.; Vohs, Kathleen (2009). Self-affirmation and self-control: Affirming core values counteracts ego depletion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 96(4), 770-782.

Steele, C. M. (1988). The psychology of self-affirmation: Sustaining the integrity of the self. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 21, pp. 261-302). New York: Academic Press.

Do I need to change my stereotype about the Dutch?

Yes, I took too long of a break from writing, and I have many exciting things to write about – from my trip to Turkey, to the inspiring seminar panel “From Diversity to Inclusion” organized by the Netherlands – Canadian Chamber of Commerce and KPMG yesterday. Last time, I had promised to write more about the regulatory focus but I’ll leave that to another post and share some thoughts on the gender diversity topic and social norms this time.

Let me share a “stereotype” I’ve had and partly still have about the Netherlands – the stereotype that motivated me to move to Amsterdam. The components of the stereotype are: tolerant, multicultural, welcomes diversity, progressive, liberal, English language-friendly, individualistic, aware of what’s going on in the world, friendly in a North European way (i.e., easy to start conversations, but difficult to go beyond the acquaintance level), organized, too planned – not spontaneous. You might think “but that doesn’t look like a stereotype, it’s too positive” – well that’s your prejudice against stereotypes, that they are all negative. Well, they are not. One thing stereotypes do is that they create expectancies and we go around looking for evidence to support them (see the post on Confirmation Bias). But I am more interested in what happens when we come across information that conflicts with our stereotypes. And that’s what happened for me this week – part of my stereotype about the Netherlands/Dutch was challenged.

During the presentations of an impressive group of speakers – Avivah Wittenberg-Cox, Dr. Claartje Vinkenburg, Dr. Alison Konrad – I learned that in the Netherlands almost 75% of women in workforce (59% of Dutch women are in the workforce) are on some form of part-time working arrangement. And possibly, as a consequence of that (of course in conjunction with other factors) the representation of women in management positions is among the lowest in Europe. According to a Grant Thornton survey in 2007, only 13% of senior management level positions were held by women in the Netherlands, as opposed to 21% in France, 23% in Poland, 34% in Russia, and 50% in the Philippines.

So what do these numbers have to do with my stereotype? The norms behind this pattern was what challenged the “progressive” component of my Netherlands/Dutch stereotype – Dutch society appears to be quite traditional or do I dare to say, conservative when it comes to the roles of men and women in relation to family and work issues. Family-related responsibilities and childcare are still seen as mainly the responsibility of women, whereas the “breadwinner” role is ascribed to men. 

First-hand I can share a comment made by one of our Dutch neighbors in response to my question regarding if/when she’s going back to full-time schedule “My husband makes enough money, I don’t think I need to work full-time”. I had “sub-typed” her or thought she was an exception until I saw the numbers presented yesterday. Of course the regulations such as the time for maternity and paternity leaves - 16 weeks and 2 days, respectively – do further help perpetuate the gender roles.

According to the research of Dr. Vinkenburg, the Director of the Amsterdam Center for Career Research at Vrije Universitiet Amsterdam, at workplace women are also perceived as being less competent once they become mothers, or as early as they get pregnant. It also becomes (even) less acceptable for them to express being ambitious about their careers. There is also a very real peer pressure going as far as judging them as “bad mothers” with sarcastic comments such as “So, you are the career mom who doesn’t have time to pick kids up from school?” It is always ironic to see the role women play in perpetuating the status quo.

You could ask “What’s wrong with it if women (and men) are happy with the norm?” My concern lies not in pushing people for the egalitarian roles per se, but rather in the impact that the norm has on people who would like to deviate from it. There are women who would like to push their way up in the career ladder and hence, prefer or must work full-time; as well as there are men who would like to work part-time and play a more active role in raising the kids. As social beings, humans’ functioning is very dependent on the social norms – more than we would like to admit.

 
In the light of these norms and numbers, the advantage I’ve once attributed to “The Netherlands being one of the easiest places to raise kids” has taken on a whole different meaning. Flexible working arrangements, which could be seen as an advantage and a sign of progressive work-life balance mentality in many other places, seem to be a liability for the careers of women in the Netherlands. This raises a few questions for me:

• Are most women and men aware of the liability of part-time work arrangement for their careers and families?
  
• To what extent do men and women incorporate the traditional gender roles in their identity? To what extent are they yielding to the social influence/norms – consciously or unconsciously? 
  
• How does the “part-time work” norm influence women who prefer to work full-time? 
  
• How do the Dutch men and women define “work-life” balance?
  
• And finally, should I be revising my stereotype as Dutch being very progressive – at least with respect to gender roles?
  

Confirmation bias ~ how it can make it or break it for you…

____________________________________________________

Last week I was telling my students how they would end up finding my course interesting or boring depending on their initial expectations of it. We all have a tendency to look for evidence that confirms our expectations or beliefs about people, about places, about ourselves… Cognitive psychologists call this - very well documented -  tendency confirmation bias. It can influence how you perceive the world, how you judge people or how you evaluate yourself. And why do we have this bias? Because we like being right – it makes us feel good!

That’s why I was not surprised to read one of the first tips suggested to expatriates in a recent relocation article in the Financial Times  : “Don’t go looking for flaws!” It could have likewise said, “Look for positive things!”

There are many examples of how starting out with mindsets such as “They don’t like foreigners here” or “Locals are not helpful, distant, arrogant (list can go forever)” can spoil your – otherwise can be very rewarding – international experience! You will simply end up looking for evidence that will confirm those beliefs. And will you find that evidence? You bet! There will always be some behaviors that are unhelpful or distant, but even more importantly (or shall I say, dangerously!) some that you’ll interpret as unhelpful or distant. And here you go – you set yourself up for a negative experience. Here are three ways how confirmation bias works…

First, you seek biased evidence. You’ll pay more attention to – let’s take being distant – distant behaviors and you’ll become more likely to interpret even neutral or ambiguous behaviors as distant. Here’s how. You run into your neighbors in the mornings on your way to work, and they always seem to cut the conversations short. You decide “See, they are distant – all they do is a say a few words”. Have you considered the possibility that they are in a rush, or they are not confident with their language skills if your conversations are not in the local language? On top of that somehow you fail to notice their warm greetings when you see them over the weekend.

Second, because previously you have paid attention to or interpreted incidents in line with your expectations; those will be the ones recorded in your memory. When it comes to remembering things you recall things also in a biased way. Maybe your neighbors do talk for longer some mornings, but again somehow you always remember those short conversations.  

Finally, you start believing in what psychologists call “illusory correlations” – meaning you see relationships between things where there is none. Once you have in your mind­ linked locals with distant behaviors, each distant behavior you encounter will be explained by being [insert the group you have in mind here!]. In reality, there is no such relationship because there are many warm people in the culture where you live or there are many distant people in any culture.

And here’s the icing on the cake. All this can end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy! Because by now you have found enough evidence that these people are distant, your behaviors will reflect that perception – you’ll be less talkative and warm towards them. And guess how they’ll respond to your distant behavior! Congratulations, you have really made your expectation come true!

Doesn’t sound adaptive, does it? But don’t be discouraged, the beauty of confirmation bias is that it also works in the other direction! Imagine the opposite of above example – that you start out with the belief that locals in your new host culture are warm and friendly people. It opens up possibilities for very positive experiences! Well, you know what to do ~ enjoy!