Three fundamental human needs (Part IV): Can we be both autonomous and connected at the same time?

I think this is a question that many people struggle with from time to time. The apparent conflict lies in thinking in terms of "being autonomous/independent versus connected" as if these are two opposite ends of a continuum. If you also see them that way I invite you to take a different perspective – considering them as two different dimensions rather than being the polar opposites of the same dimension.

Being autonomous or independent - the third fundamental need we have - relates to the way we develop ourselves with a vision and goals we set to reach that vision. It is the almost the method/attitude with which we create our roadmap to who we want to be and how we want our lives to be like.

How you create that vision can either take an independent/ autonomous form with you tapping into your unique being, your desires and dreams - in a way very similar to tapping into your ideal-self. Or you could create a vision more in line with the expectations of others (e.g., family, friends, colleagues) and the norms of the groups you belong to (e.g., the company you work for, the society you live in) without too much reference to your unique potential. This latter way is parallel to emphasizing your ought-self when you create that vision.

Being connected relates to having close and intimate relationships marked by stability, emotional concern and continuation into the foreseeable future. That is quite a different dimension than what I’ve described above. Having those relationships does not mean you are not independent anymore. On the contrary, those relationships support you in the journey to your vision.

In other words, being autonomous or independent is a relatively within-person quality; whereas being connected is an interpersonal quality.

When you consider this way of looking at them it becomes clear that they are complementary rather than conflicting. In fact, our research findings show exactly that too. People who are both autonomous and connected experience higher levels of well-being compared to those who fall short in either or both of those qualities. They are less prone to depression; emotionally more stable; and enjoy higher levels of self-esteem and life-satisfaction.

Then it is not a good idea to pit autonomy against connectedness, but rather encourage both. But why are we sometimes tempted to think one would come at the expense of the other?

I think that comes from an assumption we make: “to be connected I need to incorporate other people’s expectations and desires into the vision I create for myself”. And I believe this assumption is partly sustained by the desire to fit in. It is important to become aware of that belief and to question if that is indeed a valid assumption. I invite you to do that with an open mind…

References

Imamoglu, E. O. (2003). Individuation and relatedness: Not opposing, but distinct and complementary. Genetic, Social, and General Psychology Monographs, 129, 367–402. Social Psychology, 142, 333–351.

Kurt, A. (2002). Autonomy and relatedness: A comparison of Canadians and Turks. Paper Presented at the Annual Convention of Canadian Psychological Association; June 2002, Vancouver, BC.

"Let’s go for it!" or "Be careful!" What do your goals look like?

I’ve always wondered why some people are content with minimal goals they must attain, while others go beyond what is “necessary”…And here’s a theory that has helped me understand the differences: Self-Regulatory Focus, by Dr. Tory Higgins  (yes, the same researcher who proposed ideal and ought self-guides).

What guides your actions? Are you motivated by approaching gains? Or are you motivated by ensuring there are no losses? What gets you going – the prospect of advancement and accomplishment; or security, responsibility, and obligations? If your actions are mostly fueled by positive outcomes or gains, then you have a promotion focus; if your actions are mostly fueled by avoiding losses you have a prevention focus. Even though these two self-regulatory orientations could be influenced by the context, most people have a chronic tendency towards one or the other.

If you remember the self-guides I wrote about in my previous post, you’ll realize a parallel between the ideal-self and a promotion focus; and the ought-self and a prevention focus. For people with a promotion focus goals are viewed as ideals, whereas for those with a prevention focus goals are viewed as oughts.

In other words, actions of Frank – one of the main characters in the movie “Revolutionary Road” – who has a prominent ought self also reflect a prevention focus. Remember his justification for taking the well-paying job: “Well, I support you, don’t I? I work for 10 hours at a job I can’t stand….I have the backbone not to run away from my responsibilities”.

April – Frank’s wife – on the other hand, with a prominent ideal-self is motivated by her dreams and aspirations: “I wanted IN. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping.”

The person with a promotion focus is on the look out for means of advancement and careful about not closing off the possibilities. That’s also one way in which she differs from a person with a prevention focus – she uses an eager strategy to pursue her goals. The person with a prevention focus prefers a vigilant strategy – Be careful and avoid mistakes! His focus is on minimal goals that he must attain. And how do these two people feel when they fail to reach their goals?

Yes – you’ve probably guessed it right! It follows the same pattern with self-discrepancies I talked about last time. A promotion focus person, when she fails to reach her goal, feels depression related emotions – disappointment, sadness, and dejection. A prevention focus person, on the other hand, feels anxiety related emotions – fear, worry, and tension. In other words, different kind of emotions one feels provide qualitatively different insights into goal blockage.

Curious about what type of regulatory focus YOU have? Here are a few ways to find out:

1. Use your emotions as indicators: Reflect on what type of emotions you feel when you fail to reach your goals – depression related or anxiety related?
   
2. Reflect on the nature of your goals: Are your goals about approaching success? Or are they about avoiding failure/mistakes?
   
3. Which one is more dominant for you: Ideal- or Ought-self? (Reflecting on the questions at the end of my last post would help you with this one)
   
4. Complete the Regulatory Focus Questionnaire on the HigginsLab website – it will also give you some insights about the roots of regulatory focus you have.
   

And come back next time for understanding how the fit between your regulatory focus and the strategy in pursuing your goals can improve your motivation and how you feel about the outcome.

"It takes backbone to lead the life you want, Frank."

April Wheeler: Don't you see? That's the whole idea! You'll be able to do what you should have been allowed to do seven years ago, you'll have the time. For the first time in your life, you'll have the time to find out what it is you actually want to do. And when you figure it out, you'll have the time and the freedom, to start doing.

Frank Wheeler: This doesn't seem very realistic.

April Wheeler: No, Frank. This is what's unrealistic. It's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. Coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things.

This is a dialogue from one of the most powerful movies I have seen recently – Revolutionary Road. It is full of strong messages and thoughts worth pondering upon. For people who haven’t seen the film, it is the story of a young couple, Frank and April, living in a Connecticut suburb during the mid-1950s struggle to come to terms with their personal problems while trying to raise their two children. But really, it is a powerful depiction of the strong conflict between living a life in line with your dreams versus living a life in accordance with the script of the times and the society one lives in. And how this conflict could become magnified in a relationship in the dynamics of interdependence.

A prominent researcher in social psychology – Dr. Tory Higgins – talks about different selves people have. First a person has the actual self – that is who she currently is. Then there are the two “self-guides”. The ideal self, that involves her dreams, aspirations, desires. And the ought self, her understanding of what others want her to be - the self she thinks she should be. The conflict portrayed in Revolutionary Road is one between the ideal and the ought selves.

It gets more interesting when we look at the implications of having a discrepancy between who you are – your actual self – and each of the two self guides. According to the self-discrepancy theory of Dr. Higgins, when our actual self doesn’t align with our ideal self we typically feel depression-related emotions – disappointment, sadness and dejection. Indeed, in the movie we observe April experiencing all these feelings as she fails to do something that will get her closer to who she desires to be. 

The discrepancy between the actual self and the ought self – who we think we should be, however, is associated with a different set of emotions. We experience anxiety-related emotions – fear, worry, tension, guilt. We can see April’s husband Frank getting agitated and anxious when his prospective boss makes a comment about how his late father would be proud of him when he accepts that well-paying new position – a position he was planning to decline to fulfill his and his wife’s dreams in Paris, instead.

Of course, emotions are not the only implications of these discrepancies we experience when we perceive our selves as not measuring up to our ideals and standards. There are also motivational outcomes as we deal with the emotional discomfort. That is when we start looking for justifications – like when Frank says, “Well I support you, don’t I? I work 10 hours a day at a job I can’t stand” after accepting the high paying position to the dismay of his wife. Quite different from his wife April’s striving for taking action and planning on moving to Paris to close the gap between their current life and what they’ve aspired for, “that they would be wonderful in this world”.

This pull & push between the ideal and the ought selves is a major force that motivates many people to take action and work with a coach - people who can relate to April who says, “I saw a whole other future. I can’t stop seeing it.” Of course, it is not the easy way and it takes a lot of courage – or backbone. However, the key shift happens when one realizes that leading the current life in order to be the person she should be is a far greater risk than taking the chance to go for what she really wants.

For now here’s a few things to think about:

• What are your aspirations, dreams, desires? What does your ideal self look like?
  
• How about your ought self – the type of person you think you “should” be? 
  
• Which one is really more risky – striving for who you want to be or working on who you should be? 
  

The type of discrepancy you are dealing with also influences the way you approach your goals – but more on this next time….