Do you know when to call it quits? (II)

And yes, sometimes the direction is right, but the way of getting there – well, not so much… This is also a tough one since the thought “But I am moving towards my goal/destination/vision” can prevent you from recognizing that there’s something wrong about the way you’re getting there.

One of my clients has been trying to move in the direction of higher level of leadership and responsibility for the past two years. Taking responsibility in leading her team, delegating tasks when necessary, mentoring her direct reports, making decisions related to deadlines, training, vacation, etc… However, along the way she was getting more and more frustrated. Reason? She found herself in a constellation of people (both at the management and the team levels) that made it very tough for her to move in the right direction. Her decisions were not being backed up by her boss threatening her ability to assert herself in her team. She had a few team members who not only failed to deliver quality work, but also had an indifferent attitude when she questioned them about it. But she was determined that she wanted to move to the next level of leadership and hence persisted in doing what she was in her current role. This was the point when we started working together.

At the beginning she was so convinced that she just needed to find a way to get the acceptance from her team and her boss if she was to get where she wanted to. At that point she had also started questioning her confidence and assertiveness. So, the move towards the direction she wanted was far from fulfilling to say the least!

How many people like that do you know who are in a similar position? Who find themselves hitting against a wall and spend most of their energy to demolish or dig through that wall because they are so convinced that, at the end of the day that’s the direction they want to go.

I have no problem with working to get rid of the obstacles on your way to whatever you want. On the contrary, I believe persistence and perseverance are key to success. My questions is: when do you say “Enough!”? What has to happen for you to ask yourself: “Yes, I want to move towards that direction but is it normal that I am so frustrated/ tired/ angry/ burned-out/ over-stretched/ unfulfilled along the way?”

When I started with a new path that I believed would help me move towards my vision and found myself tired, frustrated and unfulfilled along the way, my own coach asked me: “How long will you take it? How will you know it is time to stop? When will you know it’s time to say ‘Basta!’?” Hah, I thought…I rarely set criteria that will help me recognize when to call it quits*… And based on my work with my clients and observations of a lot of professionals around me, I am not an exception.

People rarely specify what needs to happen for them to change course and find another path that would take them in the right direction. Or when they do, generally that is limited to task-specific criteria: I’ll try this tool and if it doesn’t work (read: solve the problem, speed up the process, increase the sales), then I’ll try another one. But how about psychological indicators such as cognitive and emotional burden? Are we also willing to try another “tool” or path to get to there when the going gets tough? 

Well, I am happy to report that my client decided to say “Basta!”. She realized or decided that getting “there” in a fulfilling manner is as important as getting there. When you think about it, it is rarely about only the destination. The way of getting to your destination or in other words the journey or the process is an intricate part of the “right direction” from the very beginning.

And about my unfulfilled, frustrated journey? With the support of my coach I did define how I was to recognize the point where I call it quits. Despite that I must admit I did wait past that point. My learning? Next time calling it earlier to save myself time, resources and energy.

*”Calling quits” sure is a loaded term – and it is often associated with another loaded term “failing”. But as research also shows, knowing when to quit is a indicator of successful coping. It is also something high self-esteem people do more often than low self-esteem people especially when there are alternate ways to reach the goals.

Reference: Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K.D. (2003). Does high self- esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier life-styles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(Whole No. 1), 1– 44.

Time travel: Will I really want to go for a run at 6 a.m. tomorrow?

How many times have you found yourself being puzzled about not being able to follow up on your goals although you were so convinced when you set them? Examples?

• Checking emails is a time drain, I’ll only check them twice a day.
• I will meditate for 10 minutes every morning before breakfast.
• I’ll go to the gym every other day.
• I will never procrastinate and hit the send button 30 seconds before the project submission deadline.
• I will speak up more in meetings.
• I will be a better listener/ more patient with my “difficult” colleagues.

I bet you can help me expand the list!

The funny part is that each time we are so convinced that “it will work this time!” We must be making some serious error or false assumption somewhere, don’t you think? Well, here’s one phenomenon that sheds some light on what might be happening.

In his book Stumbling on Happiness Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert talks about presentism - the tendency to let our current experience to influence one’s view of the past and the future. In other words, when we evaluate the past or think about the future we take our present experience (e.g., mood, state of mind, motivation) as an anchor.

Among its many interesting implications presentism also influences the goal pursuit. Broadly speaking, the goal pursuit involves two steps. First we select a goal; then we implement the chosen goal. Presentism plays a role in both of these steps – this time I’ll focus on the first one.

As I’ve mentioned last time, it is important to choose not any goal – but rather a SMART goal (Specific, Measurable, Agreed upon, Realistic, Timely). That would sound something like: Running for 45 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 6 a.m. This meets the specific, measurable and timely criteria.

If the person wants and is motivated to take on running for 45 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings at 6 a.m., that would also make it agreed upon. In other words, the goal has been chosen by the person and not imposed on her by someone else. This corresponds to what some researchers call “self-concordant goals” – that is, goals that are consistent with values and interests of the person.

If it is a realistic goal or not depends on the person’s current level of fitness as well as her weekly schedule. Now, “presentism” plays an important role here – especially with respect your current mood and level of motivation. Research in the area of affective forecasting – predicting how you will feel in the future – suggests that we are pretty bad in our forecasts! That means when you try to predict how you will feel about running tomorrow at 6 a.m. you mainly rely on your current mood which is likely to be quite different from the one you’ll experience 6 a.m. tomorrow.

And this has important implications for the “realistic”ness of your goal. In other words, it seems pretty realistic right now because you are all motivated and determined about making it work but that does not guarantee that you’ll feel that way when it’s time to get out of the bed tomorrow morning at 6 a.m.!

I think this nicely explains why we are puzzled by not being able to follow up on our goals that we were so convinced of when we set them. We base our predictions too much on the present experience and underestimate how fluid our moods and motivation to act could be.

In these situations researchers who study affective forecasting suggest doing some “time travel” – that is, representing the future as though it were happening in the present. To be able to that we need to use mental images of the future more often and more accurately.

For the running example this would mean imagining as vividly as possible your experience of waking up, rolling out of the bed, putting on your running gear at 6 a.m. And doing that 3 times a week. How realistic does it feel? Effortless, somewhat unpleasant, painful, impossible? Making an accurate assessment would make your goal pursuit more successful.

If your goal seems realistic after the “time travel” next steps of implementation are more likely to follow smoothly. But if your goal doesn’t pass the test, you would be better of adjusting it to make it realistic – that would also save you from feeling guilty and discouraged in your goal pursuit each time you hit the snooze button.

Run beyond the boundaries: Changing the self-limiting beliefs

Last time I suggested that you reflect on the self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) if you would like to make better use of your potential to reach your ideal-self and your dreams. If you have a list of these SLBs that have been blocking you in getting where you would like to be, here are the next steps.

Step 1: Figure out the hidden benefits of the SLBs.
Last time I mentioned that these beliefs have been there because they serve some purpose – so what are the hidden benefits they’ve been providing you with? In other words what are the advantages of holding each of the SLBs? For example, if the SLB is “I am not confident enough”, some of the hidden benefits might be, you don’t take action that might carry the risk of failure or rejection – so you don’t need to cope with failure and rejection, pretty big benefit!
Once you have the benefits listed, also make a list of the costs of holding those beliefs. This should be easier since it was probably part of discovering the SLBs themselves.

Step 2: Flip the belief and look for evidence to support the new version.
Flip it: “I am confident”; evidence: “I did present the product idea to my boss this morning”; “I did hold my ground in answering questions”; “I did take action even though I felt some anxiety” etc… This is a great way of challenging the SLBs.

Step 3: Pick one!
Ask yourself which belief you want to stick with (i.e., “I am not confident” or “I am confident”) which one do you like better, which one do you want: the SLB or the opposite?

Step 4: Use confirmation bias
Consciously set the confirmation bias into action – be the best lawyer you could be to look for evidence in support of this belief. While at it, make sure to overlook conflicting information along the way. This might feel unnatural at first but when you think about it, it is actually something we are experts at (hint: Remember all the times you previously failed to notice how you were being confident?)! But very important point is to be consistent and intentional in doing this. Beliefs take time to change, therefore it is crucial to stick with process and keep a track of the benefits you’re getting from holding that belief (journaling might be a good idea).


Supports & tips along the way...

1. One thing that would support you along the way would be using self-affirmation. Numerous studies (see references) have shown that reflecting upon positive aspects of oneself replenishes resources to exert self-control. And believe me, replacing SLBs with new beliefs requires quitea bit of self-control! Self-affirmations could be thinking or writing about your core values and things you are competent at, or they could be doing things, even small ones, in line with your values.

2. In line with the above point, because self-control is a limited resource don’t try to attempt changing too many beliefs at a time (more on this in a later post).

3. Similar to any task that requires effort, one of your best bets would be to rely on social support. Share your commitment in changing your SLBs with someone whom you know will support you. This helps in three ways. First, it means more accountability to change the beliefs; secondly, another person can help you to do your reality check by being more objective; and lastly, their positive feedback will have similar benefits as self-affirmation.

Enjoy running beyond those self-imposed boundaries and opening up more possibilities for yourself!


References
Schmeichel, Brandon J.; Vohs, Kathleen (2009). Self-affirmation and self-control: Affirming core values counteracts ego depletion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 96(4), 770-782.

Steele, C. M. (1988). The psychology of self-affirmation: Sustaining the integrity of the self. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 21, pp. 261-302). New York: Academic Press.

Why do some decisions feel better than others - that is, independent of the outcome?

In an earlier post I wrote about different ways/orientations to set goals and regulate behavior – prevention and promotion focus: First one referring to a focus on absence of negatives, and the latter one to achieving positive things. If you reflected on the questions at the end of that post or completed the Regulatory Focus Questionnaire, you have an idea which one is more dominant for you.

I had also mentioned the strategies to reach these goals. One can either pick a means that will maximize possibilities – an eager strategy; or she can pick one that will minimize potential mistakes – a vigilant strategy.

So far it’s a recap of an earlier post. Here’s what’s new: the fit between the regulatory focus (prevention vs. promotion) and the strategy you use to reach your goals (vigilant vs. eager). Recent research shows that the fit between these two factors has important consequences for motivation, decision-making and the value we get from our decisions.

First, the fit between regulatory focus/orientation and the means to reach the goals influences the motivation. A person with a prevention focus has a stronger motivation to pursue a goal when using a vigilant strategy rather than an eager strategy. For example, a sales manager with a prevention focus will have higher motivation when using a strategy that emphasizes watching out for costs, rather than looking out for profits. If you’re leading a team of people with diverse regulatory orientations that would mean you’re better off to frame goals accordingly, and be flexible in suggesting a mix of vigilant and eager strategies that would map onto both prevention and promotion orientations.

Secondly, when the fit between orientation and strategy is high people feel more alert both when making decisions and after making a decision. They also evaluate their decisions more positively. These two consequences combined could explain why a particular decision can be more satisfying for some than for others independent of the outcome of the decision– both across different people (e.g. in a team) and for the same person across different decisions.

Finally, the fit also has an impact on the value people assign to outcomes. For example, people with prevention or promotion orientations assign a higher monetary value to an object that they have chosen by using the compatible strategy – vigilant or eager, respectively. What does that mean? Your perception of how valuable something increases when your decision-making reflects the fit – you also become more likely to pay a higher amount for it.

These findings have important implications for the enjoyment of goal pursuit. The higher the fit the more satisfaction you’ll get from pursuing your goals. This also means you play an active role in the value you get from an object or a service through your regulatory focus and the strategy you choose to make a decision. You can increase the enjoyment you get from goal pursuit by being aware of your regulatory orientation and by being mindful in choosing a compatible strategy to maximize the fit between the two.

Feeling good about your decision and the outcome of your decision is under your control. The better you know yourself the better you can regulate your behavior and the better you feel! Now, how good is that?

"Let’s go for it!" or "Be careful!" What do your goals look like?

I’ve always wondered why some people are content with minimal goals they must attain, while others go beyond what is “necessary”…And here’s a theory that has helped me understand the differences: Self-Regulatory Focus, by Dr. Tory Higgins  (yes, the same researcher who proposed ideal and ought self-guides).

What guides your actions? Are you motivated by approaching gains? Or are you motivated by ensuring there are no losses? What gets you going – the prospect of advancement and accomplishment; or security, responsibility, and obligations? If your actions are mostly fueled by positive outcomes or gains, then you have a promotion focus; if your actions are mostly fueled by avoiding losses you have a prevention focus. Even though these two self-regulatory orientations could be influenced by the context, most people have a chronic tendency towards one or the other.

If you remember the self-guides I wrote about in my previous post, you’ll realize a parallel between the ideal-self and a promotion focus; and the ought-self and a prevention focus. For people with a promotion focus goals are viewed as ideals, whereas for those with a prevention focus goals are viewed as oughts.

In other words, actions of Frank – one of the main characters in the movie “Revolutionary Road” – who has a prominent ought self also reflect a prevention focus. Remember his justification for taking the well-paying job: “Well, I support you, don’t I? I work for 10 hours at a job I can’t stand….I have the backbone not to run away from my responsibilities”.

April – Frank’s wife – on the other hand, with a prominent ideal-self is motivated by her dreams and aspirations: “I wanted IN. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping.”

The person with a promotion focus is on the look out for means of advancement and careful about not closing off the possibilities. That’s also one way in which she differs from a person with a prevention focus – she uses an eager strategy to pursue her goals. The person with a prevention focus prefers a vigilant strategy – Be careful and avoid mistakes! His focus is on minimal goals that he must attain. And how do these two people feel when they fail to reach their goals?

Yes – you’ve probably guessed it right! It follows the same pattern with self-discrepancies I talked about last time. A promotion focus person, when she fails to reach her goal, feels depression related emotions – disappointment, sadness, and dejection. A prevention focus person, on the other hand, feels anxiety related emotions – fear, worry, and tension. In other words, different kind of emotions one feels provide qualitatively different insights into goal blockage.

Curious about what type of regulatory focus YOU have? Here are a few ways to find out:

1. Use your emotions as indicators: Reflect on what type of emotions you feel when you fail to reach your goals – depression related or anxiety related?
   
2. Reflect on the nature of your goals: Are your goals about approaching success? Or are they about avoiding failure/mistakes?
   
3. Which one is more dominant for you: Ideal- or Ought-self? (Reflecting on the questions at the end of my last post would help you with this one)
   
4. Complete the Regulatory Focus Questionnaire on the HigginsLab website – it will also give you some insights about the roots of regulatory focus you have.
   

And come back next time for understanding how the fit between your regulatory focus and the strategy in pursuing your goals can improve your motivation and how you feel about the outcome.