Do you know when to call it quits? (II)

And yes, sometimes the direction is right, but the way of getting there – well, not so much… This is also a tough one since the thought “But I am moving towards my goal/destination/vision” can prevent you from recognizing that there’s something wrong about the way you’re getting there.

One of my clients has been trying to move in the direction of higher level of leadership and responsibility for the past two years. Taking responsibility in leading her team, delegating tasks when necessary, mentoring her direct reports, making decisions related to deadlines, training, vacation, etc… However, along the way she was getting more and more frustrated. Reason? She found herself in a constellation of people (both at the management and the team levels) that made it very tough for her to move in the right direction. Her decisions were not being backed up by her boss threatening her ability to assert herself in her team. She had a few team members who not only failed to deliver quality work, but also had an indifferent attitude when she questioned them about it. But she was determined that she wanted to move to the next level of leadership and hence persisted in doing what she was in her current role. This was the point when we started working together.

At the beginning she was so convinced that she just needed to find a way to get the acceptance from her team and her boss if she was to get where she wanted to. At that point she had also started questioning her confidence and assertiveness. So, the move towards the direction she wanted was far from fulfilling to say the least!

How many people like that do you know who are in a similar position? Who find themselves hitting against a wall and spend most of their energy to demolish or dig through that wall because they are so convinced that, at the end of the day that’s the direction they want to go.

I have no problem with working to get rid of the obstacles on your way to whatever you want. On the contrary, I believe persistence and perseverance are key to success. My questions is: when do you say “Enough!”? What has to happen for you to ask yourself: “Yes, I want to move towards that direction but is it normal that I am so frustrated/ tired/ angry/ burned-out/ over-stretched/ unfulfilled along the way?”

When I started with a new path that I believed would help me move towards my vision and found myself tired, frustrated and unfulfilled along the way, my own coach asked me: “How long will you take it? How will you know it is time to stop? When will you know it’s time to say ‘Basta!’?” Hah, I thought…I rarely set criteria that will help me recognize when to call it quits*… And based on my work with my clients and observations of a lot of professionals around me, I am not an exception.

People rarely specify what needs to happen for them to change course and find another path that would take them in the right direction. Or when they do, generally that is limited to task-specific criteria: I’ll try this tool and if it doesn’t work (read: solve the problem, speed up the process, increase the sales), then I’ll try another one. But how about psychological indicators such as cognitive and emotional burden? Are we also willing to try another “tool” or path to get to there when the going gets tough? 

Well, I am happy to report that my client decided to say “Basta!”. She realized or decided that getting “there” in a fulfilling manner is as important as getting there. When you think about it, it is rarely about only the destination. The way of getting to your destination or in other words the journey or the process is an intricate part of the “right direction” from the very beginning.

And about my unfulfilled, frustrated journey? With the support of my coach I did define how I was to recognize the point where I call it quits. Despite that I must admit I did wait past that point. My learning? Next time calling it earlier to save myself time, resources and energy.

*”Calling quits” sure is a loaded term – and it is often associated with another loaded term “failing”. But as research also shows, knowing when to quit is a indicator of successful coping. It is also something high self-esteem people do more often than low self-esteem people especially when there are alternate ways to reach the goals.

Reference: Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K.D. (2003). Does high self- esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier life-styles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(Whole No. 1), 1– 44.

Do you know when to call it quits? (I)

Mobility. The capability to move or to be moved. Ability to move or adapt, change or be changed. To move in the direction you want in a fulfilling manner.

This is the definition of mobility Timothy Gallwey uses in his book “The Inner Game of Work” on focus, learning, pleasure, and mobility in the workplace. Now, you might ask what mobility has to do with the title of this post. Take a guess before you read on… Mobility? Calling quits?

Well, it has everything to do with the title. Being able to say “That’s it! Basta! Stop!” is a very valuable approach when you realize you are either moving in the wrong direction or you are moving in the right direction but not in a fulfilling manner. Even though at times it makes us question our ability to persevere, being able to say “I quit” is an underestimated, underappreciated strength.

Let’s start with the first possibility that should lead you to say “I quit”: you are moving in the wrong direction. There are few conditions for this to happen:

• Knowing what the right direction is (And what that “right direction” is deserves at least a few posts)
• Knowing what benchmarks you should pay attention to in order to confirm you are moving in the    right direction (“I’ll know it once I get there” is not good enough!)
• Awareness that you are off-track when a deviation happens (This requires not being distracted under time and performance pressure or continuously operating on automatic pilot)
• Willingness and courage to accept you have been moving in the wrong direction (Often, we go lengths to believe and make others believe we are on the right way)
• Willingness to make changes to start moving in the right direction again (Since there might be “hidden benefits” of moving in the albeit wrong direction, eg., good money, status, approval etc.,)

A lot of the times people take too long to recognize and accept that they’ve been moving in the wrong direction. This might apply to many paths that we’re on in our lives, from work projects to companies we work for; from career paths to relationship paths… Panaceas?

• Take enough time and effort to clearly define what the “right direction” is.  The right direction in the current project you’re working on; the right direction for your career; the right direction in your relationships…
• You should determine not only the ultimate destination, but also the stations in between so that you can keep track of the course and become aware of deviations. Don’t set yourself up for a situation where you’ll say “How come I haven’t realized it for so long?”
• Within the pace of life it is easy to get carried away with time or performance pressure. You might find yourself from moving one task to another; one project from another , or even one relationship to another without a “chance” to reflect on how well your previous or next steps move you in the right direction. Use the following STOP tool to be more conscious and detect deviations in a timely manner:

• Step back (from what you’re involved with)
• Think (What am I trying to accomplish? Am I moving in the right direction?)
• Organize your thoughts (Pull your thinking together in a coherent way)
• Proceed (Continue with necessary actions)

• Once you’ve realized you’re not moving in the right direction, you have to honestly ask yourself: “What is the cost of continuing in the wrong direction?” Time, energy, focus, enjoyment, stress, reputation, credibility, confidence, respect, relationships, purpose…?
• Do the above costs exceed the “hidden benefits” (e.g., comfort, familiarity, recognition, money, approval, status) of the current, albeit wrong, direction?
• After your cost-benefit analysis, ask yourself: “I which direction do I want to go?” Keep going in the wrong direction? Or call it quits and change course?

Next time…What if the direction is right,  but the way you get there is not so right? And the times when I  called it quits. 

Are self-affirmations only for high self-esteem people?

A recent article in Psychological Science (March, 2009) by Dr. Joan Wood and her colleagues from University of Waterloo has stirred up quite a bit of discussion about the value of self-affirmations. People started questioning if we’ve been all wrong in repeating positive statements to ourselves or believing in positive psychology. The findings of the study suggest that self-affirmations do work for high self-esteem people (who are already doing quiet well) and they actually backfire among low self-esteem people (who are believed to need the benefits more) by leading to negative mood.

So, shall we stop relying on self-affirmations on our journeys to be at our best? Well, I think that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water! I think there is great value in discussing if the self-affirmations work – this is a good time to weed out false assumptions and unrealistic expectations about how and when they work.

First of all, the skeptics are right about the value in repeating affirmations such as “I am great”,“ I am successful in whatever I do” or “Life is a joy filled with delightful surprises” without even the slightest reality check! My own research has challenged the assumption of “having overly positive self-views is good for you”. Let’s do our reality check about the value of self-affirmations, shall we?

In social psychology literature there are quiet a few studies that would help us make sense of the self-affirmation business and the confusion around it. Dr. Bill Swann and his colleagues have published numerous articles about a need called “self-verification” – the need to collect evidence or feedback to validate the self-perceptions we have. In one study published in 1981 they pitted self-verification against self-enhancement: Do people prefer validating who they are or do they prefer to receive positive feedback even if it conflicts with their self-perceptions?

Their findings showed that when it comes to choosing between feedback that was consistent with people’s self-perceptions (self-verification) versus enhancing feedback that conflicted with self-perceptions, people preferred the former. In other words, positive feedback for a person who didn’t have positive self-perceptions was not readily acceptable, and he would rather take the verifying not-so-positive feedback. Of course the process was more straightforward for high self-esteem people - because positive feedback was in line with their already positive self-perceptions it further reinforced their self-perceptions. Based on these findings we really shouldn’t be surprised about the recent findings on self-affirmation – that, it works better for high self-esteem people than their low self-esteem counterparts.

Similar set of results were reported by University of California researchers: self-affirmation helps high self-esteem people cope with stress by reducing psychological stress responses, while it actually exacerbates responses among low self-esteem people (Creswell et al, 2005; although it helped both groups by leading to a decrease in their physiological stress responses). But no need to be discouraged – let me explain why…

Luckily, giving people positive feedback that conflicts with what they “know” about themselves (which is akin to using self-affirmations) is not the only way to affirm the self. There is well-established evidence in social psychology that shows the benefits of an albeit a slightly different way of affirming the self. This form of self-affirmation involves thinking or writing about your core (personal and/or cultural) values and things you are competent at; and doing things, even small ones, in line with your values. Note that, here the affirmations are not unrealistic or overly positive statements. They are also not global statements such as “I am good enough” or “I am lovable”. They are about specific values (e.g., family, legacy, fairness) or competencies (e.g., being a supportive team member, a good tennis player).

These self-affirmations have been shown to help people to restore their self-image especially following a blow to their self-esteem. In other words, especially after a failure or rejection, affirming the self this way helps you bounce back quickly. They work especially well if affirmations are done in an unrelated domain. In other words, when you receive negative feedback at work, use self-affirmations about your relationships.

A recent study on further benefits of self-affirmation (Schmeichel & Vohs, 2009) showed its role in replenishing self-control, which is a limited resource that gets depleted after tasks that require will power. Consider these situations that require self-control and will-power: getting yourself out of a negative mood; managing to generate positive thoughts following negative events; ability to manage emotions; ability to motivate yourself; delaying short-term gratification for future benefits. For sure you would want to have enough resources to be successful in accomplishing them – and self-affirmation is a tool you wouldn’t want to discard, regardless of your level of self-esteem.

A very important point to consider is what outcome we have in mind when we ask the question “Does self-affirmation work?” We have to ask more specific questions: Does it work in

• feeling better about yourself? (Only for high self-esteem people, Wood et al.)
• boosting your mood? (No for moods we are aware of; yes for unconscious moods which further decrease ruminative thoughts, Koole et al.)
• strengthening the will power? (Yes, Schmeical & Vohs)
• reducing perceptions of stress? (Only for high self-esteem people, Creswell et al.)
• reducing physiological stress responses (Yes, Creswell et al.)

Then, the take home message would be to continue using self-affirmations, but maybe in a different way/form that you were using.

• Focus on your positive aspects (and contrary to popular belief, low self-esteem people also believe they do have some positive aspects) and affirm them by writing about them.
• Reflect on your core personal values and/or the values of your culture, which form your worldview. Again, either write about these values, or take some action - small or big - to validate those values.

Warning: Research also suggests that self-affirmations are not effective when one tries too hard and is fully aware of using them to increase self-worth. So try to find more subtle ways of affirming the self.