Three fundamental human needs (part 1): Need to belong and why I might be having difficulty making Dutch friends…

“Life in a foreign country is a dance of submission and resistance. Self-knowledge comes in small repeated shocks as you find yourself giving in easily, with a struggle, or not at all. What can you do without? What do you cling to?” from Expat

I’ve been reading a book called Expat – Women’s True Tales of Life Abroad. The stories were written by a group of American women about their lives abroad – in countries as diverse as the group of writers: Japan, Egypt, England, Brazil, Mexico, Indonesia, Australia, Taiwan… Even though each story covers a unique experience, by the time I reached the end of the 22nd and the last story the running thread was so clear in my mind: need to belong while trying to keep whatever you think constitutes your identity… It didn’t matter if it was a Taiwanese American going back to Taiwan or an American living in Borneo all women talked about their efforts to fit in to their host culture by learning the language and getting used to the local food and customs. But along with the efforts to fit in most of them also developed a yearning to connect with their own home culture – not only because that is partly what makes them who they are, but also because it is what is familiar.

Even though each of us, as individuals, is unique there are some universal needs that we all share. Three fundamental needs that we come across in different lines of research in psychology are: the need to belong; the need to be autonomous; and the need to be competent. These are needs that motivated humans to engage in behaviors that maximized their chances of survival as well as healthy functioning for many generations. So it’s no surprise that when expats tell about their experiences, how they struggled to meet these needs becomes the underlying essence of their stories. In the next few posts I would like to reflect on these fundamental needs and how they play out a bit differently in the lives of expats.

I referred to the need to belong numerous times in this blog as I kept on recommending building a social support network as one of the key resources – not only for expats but for anyone, especially at times of stress and challenges. Next to numerous other benefits a social network satisfies our need to belong. According to an extensive review of research on the need to belong, this fundamental need appears to have two aspects:

1. having frequent personal contacts and interactions – ideally, positive or pleasant or at least, free from conflict and negative affect.
2. having a perception of interpersonal bonds or relationships marked by stability, emotional concern and continuation into the foreseeable future.

While being included is associated with positive emotions such as happiness, elation, contentment, and calm; social exclusion has many negative consequences including sadness, disengagement, passivity, loneliness, anxiety, depression, and negative thoughts about the self leading to a decline in self-esteem. People who feel excluded also question whether their existence is meaningful (more on fitting in and social exclusion next time).

For expats, most of whom left their families and friends behind, the need to belong becomes more salient in a new environment. No wonder one of the first things people do when they move to a new country is to start seeking out other expats who are in a similar situation. It is the fastest way to make connections when everyone has a strong motivation to satisfy the same fundamental need. It generally takes longer to establish connections with locals, who already have their social networks. Generally the first of the two aspects of the need to belong – frequent personal contacts and interactions – is taken care of rather quickly. It’s the second aspect that takes more time and effort – building bonds that are perceived as stable, continuous and involve emotional concern.

The good news is that the need to belong seems to conform to the motivational pattern of satiation and substitution. That is, people need a few close relationships and forming additional bonds beyond those few has less and less impact. Therefore, there is a world of difference between having two close relationships as opposed to none; but not so much difference between having eight versus six (Actually, three seems to be the magical number here).

This might also explain why many locals are not as keen as expats to form friendships or are content with just staying as acquaintances – because they already have enough relationships in their lives and the additional value they’ll get from new ones might not be worth the investment they’ll need to make. My husband and I have been complaining about the difficulty of making Dutch friends – it’s never difficult to chi-chat or go for a beer; but as I also hear from other expats going beyond that is proving to be tough.

How do I make Dutch friends, then?
What does an expat to do if she really wants to make local friends? I believe reciprocity might just be the answer here. When we look at the social influence literature reciprocity emerges as one of the most powerful tools in getting what we want. Reciprocity is a deeply ingrained rule of social interactions – give people something they value and appreciate they feel the need to reciprocate almost automatically. I think in the Netherlands the key might just be the effort you put in learning Dutch! Almost all Dutch people speak English well, so speaking Dutch doesn’t seem to be necessary to communicate. However, I keep on hearing from people who have lived here long enough that if you want to make Dutch friends speaking Dutch is the way to go. It makes more sense when I think of it from the reciprocity perspective: “If you make the effort to learn my language (which is not only quite difficult to learn but also quite limited with respect to its use in other places) then I would reciprocate by including you in my friends circle.” That doesn’t mean people are consciously thinking that way or actually aware of reciprocity being a key player in deciding to become friends with expats. In any case I think it is an explanation worth considering - what do you think? Well, I guess that also means Dutch classes for me!


References:

Expat: Women's True Tales of Life Abroad
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497-529.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.

Run beyond the boundaries: Changing the self-limiting beliefs

Last time I suggested that you reflect on the self-limiting beliefs (SLBs) if you would like to make better use of your potential to reach your ideal-self and your dreams. If you have a list of these SLBs that have been blocking you in getting where you would like to be, here are the next steps.

Step 1: Figure out the hidden benefits of the SLBs.
Last time I mentioned that these beliefs have been there because they serve some purpose – so what are the hidden benefits they’ve been providing you with? In other words what are the advantages of holding each of the SLBs? For example, if the SLB is “I am not confident enough”, some of the hidden benefits might be, you don’t take action that might carry the risk of failure or rejection – so you don’t need to cope with failure and rejection, pretty big benefit!
Once you have the benefits listed, also make a list of the costs of holding those beliefs. This should be easier since it was probably part of discovering the SLBs themselves.

Step 2: Flip the belief and look for evidence to support the new version.
Flip it: “I am confident”; evidence: “I did present the product idea to my boss this morning”; “I did hold my ground in answering questions”; “I did take action even though I felt some anxiety” etc… This is a great way of challenging the SLBs.

Step 3: Pick one!
Ask yourself which belief you want to stick with (i.e., “I am not confident” or “I am confident”) which one do you like better, which one do you want: the SLB or the opposite?

Step 4: Use confirmation bias
Consciously set the confirmation bias into action – be the best lawyer you could be to look for evidence in support of this belief. While at it, make sure to overlook conflicting information along the way. This might feel unnatural at first but when you think about it, it is actually something we are experts at (hint: Remember all the times you previously failed to notice how you were being confident?)! But very important point is to be consistent and intentional in doing this. Beliefs take time to change, therefore it is crucial to stick with process and keep a track of the benefits you’re getting from holding that belief (journaling might be a good idea).


Supports & tips along the way...

1. One thing that would support you along the way would be using self-affirmation. Numerous studies (see references) have shown that reflecting upon positive aspects of oneself replenishes resources to exert self-control. And believe me, replacing SLBs with new beliefs requires quitea bit of self-control! Self-affirmations could be thinking or writing about your core values and things you are competent at, or they could be doing things, even small ones, in line with your values.

2. In line with the above point, because self-control is a limited resource don’t try to attempt changing too many beliefs at a time (more on this in a later post).

3. Similar to any task that requires effort, one of your best bets would be to rely on social support. Share your commitment in changing your SLBs with someone whom you know will support you. This helps in three ways. First, it means more accountability to change the beliefs; secondly, another person can help you to do your reality check by being more objective; and lastly, their positive feedback will have similar benefits as self-affirmation.

Enjoy running beyond those self-imposed boundaries and opening up more possibilities for yourself!


References
Schmeichel, Brandon J.; Vohs, Kathleen (2009). Self-affirmation and self-control: Affirming core values counteracts ego depletion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 96(4), 770-782.

Steele, C. M. (1988). The psychology of self-affirmation: Sustaining the integrity of the self. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 21, pp. 261-302). New York: Academic Press.

I'll get by with a little help from my friends...

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One feels the lack of social support most intensely after relocation. If you have just moved to a new country you are probably cut off from most members of your social support network – that is family members, friends, colleagues, your gym buddies, salsa group, etc.... That means you will need to start re-establishing your network, sometimes almost from scratch. And of course, you also need to maintain and enrich relationships you already have or have just formed. It shouldn’t be a daunting task, don’t worry – remember the magic number three from last time? You are in good shape if you have three people in your life that you can count on. Ready to do some thinking on this in 5 steps?

Step 1 - Let’s start with taking an inventory… Make two lists of the members of your social support network; one before and one after your relocation. In each, include family members, friends, organizations, informal groups of people with similar interests, your coach or counselor if you have/had one.

Reflecting on both before and after helps you to realize the extent of change that’s happened in your life and can account for some of the frustrations, emotional ups & downs you’ve been experiencing. Once we can put our finger on the reasons for our frustration, dealing with it becomes easier. After all, how can you snap out of your lingering frustration or stress if you don’t know where it’s coming from?

Step 2 – Know thyself: Are your emotional, informational and tangible social support needs met? In other words, do you have people who lend you an ear when you need to talk about your worries or fears; acknowledge your successes? People who offer you expert counsel or advice when you are not sure what to do? Friends who would do your grocery shopping when you’re sick or give a ride to the airport for an early morning flight?

Assessing your needs and becoming aware of where you are lacking support will help you to come up with an effective plan for re-establishing your support network.

Step 3 – Prioritize: What are the three most important needs you want to be met through social support? Deciding which needs are more important will assist you in being more focused and committed. Also the ability to manage our behaviors for meeting goals seems to be a limited resource according to research on self-control. In other words, because we will be using from the same reserves we can not stretch ourselves too much in investing to forming and maintaining many relationships as we try to cope with the demands of adapting to a new environment.

Step 4 – Why should you bother?? Think of the consequences… What will it feel like when you have all these needs fulfilled? How will your life improve?

Step 5 – Set sail! Select one need for now, and take it upon yourself to take at least two steps you can take to reach for support to fulfill that need. Research on procrastination (stay tuned for postings on this) shows that one of the reasons for postponing things is setting unrealistically high goals. So start with the modest ones to ensure action! After all “Little by little, one travels far.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Be assured that these are important steps to generate the wind to fill your sails!

Have a ride to the airport for an early flight?

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A few years ago on my way to the airport I was explaining to my friend, who kindly gave me a ride – how getting a ride to the airport was a good indicator of the social support network one had. Indeed, it is one of the items in a social support scale. In the next few entries that's what I will focus on - social network.

Why talk about social support? Need to belong is one of the two fundamental psychological needs humans have – the other one is autonomy. There are numerous studies that show how having a social network predicts overall wellness – physical as well as psychological. Social support acts as a buffer against stress, boosts your immune system, bolsters your self-esteem. People who have strong social ties are less likely to suffer heart attacks; they recover faster from surgeries or strokes; and they are less likely to be overwhelmed by stressors… Believe it or not it even makes you live longer!

Living abroad, I came to appreciate the importance of social support even more. Each time I moved to a new city, without exception, the most important thing that anchored me was the support of my family and friends. My perception of the challenges of relocating is tremendously impacted by the social network I have. First of all I receive emotional support – having people who listen to your worries, fears, and reassure you that all will be Okay is priceless. Then, there is the informational support – advice and suggestions about the many challenges of relocation from renting an apartment to finding a family doctor. And it doesn’t end there! People in a social network also offer tangible assistance - helping with packing, selling or storing things, or giving a ride to the airport!

I experienced the support of my social network first hand again last week, when I launched the SetSail Coaching website. Family and friends from all over the world kindly offered their support with emails, calls, referrals, or by joining to the Facebook group of the company – boosting my motivation and confidence further.

Of course, like with many other things, it is not the quantity but the quality that matters when it comes to social support. According to research three seems to be the critical number here – if you have three people in your life that you can count on, you are pretty much on the safe side.

How about you? How strong is your social support?

• Is there someone who takes pride in your accomplishments?
  
• Do you feel there is someone with whom you can share your worries and fears?
  
• Would you have a hard time finding someone to go with you to a day trip?
  
• Do you meet or talk with your family and friends often?
  
• Do most people you know think highly of you?
  
• And, if you needed an early-morning ride to the airport, is there someone you could comfortably ask?
  

So… Are you satisfied with the supports you have in your life? If your answer is anything less than “Definitely!” well, what are you going to do about it?